Head Tilt #53: My birthday wish... let’s make it happen!

Several months back I was updating my LinkedIn professional profile. I had always listed myself as teacher, a trainer, a consultant, or a coach --- and all are accurate. I've studied, developed, and honed my craft for over 20 years. 

Whatever. 🙄

I finally know that I am so much more than what I do. 

So I changed my profile. Instead of announcing what I do, I introduced others to who I am: 

I am a kindful communicator.

Yes, I made it up; it's a portmanteau, i. e., a word that combines the sound and meanings of other words to create something new. Brunch (breakfast + lunch) and dramedy (drama + comedy) are examples of portmanteaus.

Kind + mindful = kindful

For me, kindful communication captures what I've been spending my adult life teaching both myself and others. It pairs kind, the quality of being considerate with mindfulness, the ability to be aware.

Being mindful in the moment is the base of competent communication.  We don't go into auto-pilot or recite stale scripts. We remain aware, so we can then see the array of responses available in front of us.

And in the spirit of being good human beings, when we scan the communication choices that mindfulness reveals, we choose the kindest option for that specific situation.  

kind  + mindful = kindful

It all goes back to one of my favorite quotes (explored in my very first Head Tilt!):

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space lies your freedom and power to choose your response. In those responses lie your growth and your happiness."

And yes, much like Mean Girl's Gretchen Weiners' "fetch," I'd really like to make kindful happen! 

So with my 53rd post on my 53rd trip around the sun, here is my birthday wish: 

Let's make kindful happen, together! 

What do you think? Who's in?

And to slightly modify the fantastic words of Dalai Lama, 

Be kindful whenever possible. 

It is always possible. 

Insider tip: Kindful isn't synonymous with "fake" or "Pollyanna." When aggravated, for example, sometimes the kindest option available is biting your tongue. If that is the most considerate choice you can see in the moment, that's still kindful. 

😉

Photo Credit: Image by StockSnap from Pixabay

Head Tilt #52: Memento Amare = Remember to Love

My personal, permanent reminder 

Leaders are accustomed to using these words in the workplace:

Engagement

Humility

Transparency

 Trust

But what about love?

Does love belong in the workplace?  

(I'm talking about compassionate love, not romantic love.)

I've heard many say that the people they work with are like "extended family." Isn't that love? The US military and firefighters, alike, pride themselves on the trust and interdependence of brotherhood/sisterhood. Isn't that love?

This year, in response to the challenges of 2020, PG&E rolled out their "Lead with Love" campaign. They are committing to 2,021 acts of good and they're inviting consumers to join. (Check out their fantastic one-minute video about emotions.)

Southwest Airlines has love as their anchor, noted by their heart logo and their NYSE ticker code of LUV. 

Whole Foods leads the charge by committing to love. Love guides their food selections and how they show up in the community. 

Leadership gurus Barry Posner and James Kouzes (The Leadership Challenge) say that love is the "best kept secret" of great leadership. 

Data company Integrate.ai lists "Love People" as their number one value.

"Love as a Business Strategy" is a compelling newly-published book that I am reading about a company, Softway Solutions, that was transformed by their leadership commitment to love. (M. Anwar, F. Danna, J. Ma., C. Pitre, 2021).

Extensive research reviewed in the Harvard Business Review concludes that "a culture of love corresponded to increased levels of job satisfaction, teamwork and improved customer outcomes' (Coombe, 2016). Studies also show that people in loving work environments are more committed, satisfied, and accountable (S. Barasde and O. O'Neill, 2014).

The examples and research have a strong, steady heartbeat. 

But what does love look like at work?

Love looks like compassion.

Love looks like extending trust.

Love looks like assuming positive intent.

Love looks like respect. 

Love looks like listening fully. 

Love looks like addressing conflict effectively.

Love looks like having difficult conversations.

Love looks like appreciating differences.

Love looks like nurturing a positive culture where cooperation wins over competition every single time.

Love looks like going above and beyond for internal and external customers.

Love means seeing the entirety of your employees and co-workers.

What's that? You say you are already doing these things?

Then you are leading with love, even without announcing it. 

Whether you say the L-word or not, Memento Amare. In Latin that translates to remember to love. Today more than ever, it is not just recommended, it's required. ❤️

 

Head Tilt #51: Can your message pass these three questions?

This might be the simplest and shortest of my posts yet. That doesn't decrease its importance, however.

Have you ever been dying to say something to someone but you weren't quite sure if you should? Or have you ever said something only to wish you could retract it? 

Of course you have. We all have! 

Sufi poet and scholar, Rumi,  suggested all words pass through three gates before they leave our mouths. 

Particularly when giving feedback, get present and speak only if the answer is an emphatic YES to these questions: 

Is it true? To the best of your knowledge, do you have the facts? Or are you making assumptions based on your perceptions?

Is it necessary?  Will the other benefit from your words? What might be the impact if you spoke up? What about the impact of staying quiet? 

Is it kind? Check your intentions. Be a good human.

Let's be impeccable with our words. 

Let's be kindful. ❤️

Image by Gordon Johnson from Pixabay

Head Tilt #50: GROW great people

One of the most important parts of being a great leader is developing others. As one of my clients used to say, leaders need to grow great people. But how?

.

Imagine someone took a snapshot of a "perfect" developmental or problem-solving conversation. 

What would that picture look like? 

It would probably mirror the GROW coaching model. 

What it is: Developed in the 1980s by Sir John Whitmore, GROW coaching is a fundamental coaching model. It follows the logical progression of a development or problem-solving conversation. 

Who can use it: Managers, peers, parents, friends, partners, dogs

When to use it: When you want to understand another's view and help them create a powerful pathway to a goal. It's particularly helpful in one-on-ones.

Why we use it: To empower others, enable autonomy and build trusting relationships. (So much goodness!)

Key skills for using this model: Curiosity, listening, care, patience, humility (i. e., you might not always have the best solution)

Watch outs: Suspend the urge to immediately prescribe the path. Ask good questions but don't slip into the role of therapist. If this is a new way of communicating for you, try some transparency; tell your co-communicator that you're trying to practice curiosity instead of command. 

Suppose you are planning a trip. You'd probably want to know your destination, starting place, possible routes, and your plan, right? 

That ↑ is GROW coaching. 

G = GOAL This is the destination. Where does your co-communicator (let's call them the "coachee") want to go? Or, if that's predetermined, what is the goal you want them to achieve?

R= REALITY This is the starting place. Where are they right now in comparison to the goal? 

O = OPTIONS This is where you and your coachee generate options for bridging the gap. How will they get from where they are now to the destination? 

W = WILL (AKA: What's next, Way forward) Which of the options is best? 

Here are some GROW coaching questions to get you started:

Goal questions: What is your most important priority right now? Why? What would count as a win this week/month/quarter/season?

Reality questions: What's happening for you now? On a scale of 1-10, how close are you to the goal? What have you tried? What works? What doesn't?

Option questions: What ideas do you have to meet your goal? What has worked so far, and what if you continued that? What do you think your customer would suggest? What is the most feasible plan right now considering time, motivation and resources? 

Will/What's next questions: Which plan makes the most sense to you?  When will you start? On a scale of 1-10, how motivated are you? How can I help? 

There are sooooo many more questions you can ask. Presence with the conversation, coupled with positive intent, greatly outweighs following any script. Go with the flow. Sometimes you'll need to provide information or direction. That's okay! For the best results, pay attention to how much you are speaking and how much you are listening. Look for some sort of balance between the two roles. 

Message me at michellemakeswaves@gmail.com  for a list of my favorite GROW questions. 😉

Photo by Akil Mazumder from Pexels

Head Tilt #49: I could teach this in my sleep

My sleepy Bitmoji

I've been teaching others how to give presentations in the college and corporate classrooms for 25 years. That's a long time. And it's one of my favorite things to teach. I get to see participants face their fears and build their confidence as they hone their skills. Students are so empowered when they find their voice. It's exciting to be a part of that. 😊

Allegiant to the Head Tilt notion, I am tipping my head to the side today to see what tried-and-true public speaking advice comes out. This is not a comprehensive list! 

Active links to other posts about speaking are in blue. 

In no particular order, here we go:

• Speaking is about having something to say and saying it well. Your goal is to get your message to your audience as effectively as possible. This requires knowing your audience and clarifying your goal. 

• Great speakers are made, not born. It's a skill anyone can improve. Check out the learning ladder.

• The fear is real! I understand! I've seen it in others, and I've felt it myself. Reduce fear by sticking with the 3 Ps: Preparation, practice, and a (realistically) positive attitude. As counterintuitive as it might seem, we can also think about ourselves less and focus our audience more. This post has good news about the fear of speaking. This one dispels poor, awkward advice.

• The audience members are co-authors of the presentation. For real. Create the speech with them in mind. Consider the audience size, average age, and general attitude toward you and your topic. 

• Whether consciously or not, every audience is wondering why they should listen and why they should listen to you. Connect them with the topic by telling them what's in it for them. Connect them with you by building your credibility: share your expertise (e.g., title, research, or time on the project) and your intention.

• Speaking of intention, we speak primarily to inform (educate, demonstrate, show, tell)  or to persuade (motivate, convince, move to action). It's important to know which one is the specific purpose of your presentation.

• There are three parts of speech development: Content, Organization, and Delivery.

• Use interesting comparisons, examples, and statistics to build up the content of your speech. Use familiar metaphors to explain complex information. 

• Compare the organization of your presentation to a workout. Don't skip a part! 

1.     Warm-up (introduction)
2.     Workout (body of the speech)
3.     Cool down (conclusion/call to action)

• Transitions bridge one idea to the next. They are game-changers for technical presentations. Before moving to a new main point, summarize what you just said and preview what's to come. "Now that you know a little more about the project design, I am going to walk you through the implementation phases." 

• Your body, face, and voice are your secret weapons during a speech. Be aware of two types of delivery: Physical and vocal. Physical delivery has to do with your posture, eye contact, gestures, and facial expressions. Vocal delivery is all about your speaking pitch, rate, and volume, and each should be varied for the biggest impact. 

• Memorize your presentation's first and last lines so you know exactly how to start and conclude. Memorize the structure of your presentation, but don't try to memorize every word! Extemporaneous speaking is about knowing your speech structure and speaking conversationally while being able to pivot with content as needed.

• You are the main event, not your visual aids.

• Fewer is best when it comes to slides. Scrap information- (and bullet point-) overload. Make white space your friend. Use images over words whenever possible. (Slides are not giant note cards!) 

• If you mess up, keep going! Audiences love authentic speakers. Think Hugh Jackman.

• You're still "on" during the Q&A-- make sure you have prepared for it and remain polished. Remember what happened to me? Use PREP to answer questions with ease.

• Get better. Seek feedback after the presentation. What did you do well? What could you do better?

I have so much more I want to tell you! In the spirit of head-tilt brevity, I'll end with this final thought, directed specifically at those who fear public speaking:

YOU CAN DO THIS! 

Head Tilt #48: Ch-ch-ch-changes

We often get more change than we'd like.

Continually

Having

A

New

Growth

Experience

That's C.H.A.N.G.E. 

At least that's how one of my fellow acronym-loving friends sees it. She's such an optimist and I love that. 

Full disclosure: I don't love change. 

Nonetheless, I've studied it extensively and, much like the gym teacher who eats donuts on the sidelines while telling students to run laps, I teach others about it often. 

Here's some of what I know about change:

1. We are hard-wired to resist change. Thank you, reptilian brain, for always looking out for danger. We appreciate you. 🦖  🙏

2. We only resist change we didn't choose, don't want, or can't understand. Think about it: You get the promotion you always wanted- BIG CHANGE! Do you resist it? Heck no. All in!

3. We can navigate any change a bit better when we stop and take a good look at it. We fear the unknown. Invite change in, pour some tea, and get to know it. 🫖

Last week I helped leaders from my favorite municipality (you know who you are!) navigate their own resistance to change, as well as empathize with their team members' push-back. Here are the questions I asked them to consider. 

• RATE: How fast is the change? Do you (or your team) have time to ramp-up gradually, or is immediate compliance expected? 
• DESIRABILITY: Do you and/or your team desire the change? Can you see the positive impact? If so, can you champion that to others who might not see it?
• DEGREE: Is this a big change or a minor one? This matters! Bigger changes (like a new software system) are often more stressful than little ones (like a notice that proclaims food left longer than three days in the company fridge will be thrown out).
• CONTROL: How much control (or input) do you have regarding this change? Were you consulted? Regardless, do you have any autonomy for implementation? 
• JUGGLE: Is this a singular change, one of many, or does it affect a series of changes?

To be clear, a few of the leaders in my class were dealing with huge changes. They represented the Fire, Police and Water departments in my  oops, I mean, their community. 😉  

The changes they've dealt with over the past year are monumental!These are frontline workers who were required to show up. Fires tore through the mountains-- over 86,000 acres were scorched. Justified protests popped up all over the community. Oh, and water —our lifeblood—is ALWAYS an issue in California. 

The first step to handling change is having a framework for understanding change. Stay tuned for how to help your team manage change. 

Photo by Stephanie Bayer https://pixabay.com/users/stephenbayer-17941/

Head Tilt #47: Check, please!

Imagine this:

You lead the weekly team Zoom call. This week, a member of your group-- who usually contributes a lot--  has their camera off and participates very little. When you send a private chat message asking them if everything is ok, they send you a "thumbs up" reaction. That's out of character, you note. Before the meeting adjourns, you ask them to update the team on a pivotal project. They respond curtly and say, "All is well, and we will meet the deadline." 

At this point you're starting to take it personally. Why are they being so rude? Camera off, no participation, vague update. They embarrassed you in front of the team. What the heck? You are beginning to suspect that their odd behavior is due to their dissatisfaction with the way you handled a recent client situation.

You decide to call them up to call them on their stuff...

STOP! 

Before you go into defense mode, this is the *perfect* time to check perceptions. 

The perception-checking model has three steps, but before we get to that, kick back and enjoy this mini-lecture, truncated from the college classroom. 

1. Perception is the ability to become aware of something through our senses. We have a preponderance of stimuli coming our way at any given moment. Perception is the active process of noticing, choosing, organizing, interpreting, and understanding sensory information.  

2. All perceptions are subjective. They are individually interpreted and, therefore, not the same for everyone.

3. Sensory stimuli travels through our perceptual filters in order to interpret it. You know those plexiglass face shields some people wore during the pandemic in lieu of, or along with, masks? Our perceptual filters are like porous layer upon layer of those shields.  Stimuli goes through each shield (filter).  Perceptual filters include life experience, attitude, age, gender, knowledge, culture, and values—just to name a few. And, to make it extra-fun: these filters vary from person to person. 

Here is the least you need to know for the quiz.*

To enhance shared understanding and to decrease interpersonal conflict, we need to check our perceptions instead of assuming they represent reality.  

And here is how to check perceptions IRL.

Step 1: State your neutral observations of the facts. 

Step 2: Offer two interpretations of those facts.

Step 3: Request clarification.

Note: As with any model— use this as handrails, not handcuffs. Lean on it as needed. 

Let's go back to the Zoom example. Instead of following the flow of your defensiveness and angrily confronting your co-worker, you can let curiosity lead the conversation. First, get centered, and be aware of your non-verbals, particularly control your tone of voice, if talking by phone. 

Using the perception-checking model, it would sound something like this:

Step 1: State the facts— stick to what’s observable 

"Hey. In the call this week I noticed your camera was off and your update was brief."

Step 2: Offer two interpretations

"I’m wondering if something is going on that we should address or maybe you're just busy."

Step 3: Request feedback

What's up?**

Maybe your peer will confirm your suspicion, and they are indeed disappointed with the way you handled something. Maybe they will say their technology was wonky. Maybe their dog just went in for emergency surgery last night and their mind was elsewhere. 

We just don't know until we check our perceptions. 

Fun fact: I've been studying and teaching communication for over 25 years. Originally I planned on this being my 53rd blog post— the Big Bang, so to speak. Why? because it's the number one communication model  I’d want to teach everyone who steps in my training classroom. I just couldn't wait! 

*The quiz is canceled. 😆

**Yes, you could skip steps 1 and 2 and cut right to "What's up?" While I want you to be you, I suggest including your version of steps 1 and 2 to meet your conversational goal of reducing defensiveness and exploring perception. I have taught this widely-used model to thousands of people. I use it, myself, often. It's not a magic trick. But it can have magical results.

Head Tilt #46: The superpower you didn't know you had

.

If only we had access to something like Hermione Granger''s Time-Turner.

If you could have any superpower, what would it be? That question might seem trite nowadays but play along for a minute.

Time travel? 

The ability to fly? 

Invisibility? 

Mind-reading?

Consistency? 

Ok, consistency sounds kind of boring, maybe even common, but it's not. 

Consistency as a superpower means:

• keeping your word,
• showing up,
• following through on commitments,
• walking the talk,
• being a good person, and
• demonstrating respect to everyone, regardless of their title, status, gender, abilities, wealth, or race.

And when you are consistent, you will:

• build trust (this is BIG!),
• earn respect,
• get results,
• enhance loyalty, and
• live with integrity.

Here are some ways to rev up your consistency.

• Decide. Put consistency on your radar and keep it front and center. Write it on a post-it, set an alarm on your phone, ask Alexa to remind you daily, or look at the benefits I listed above. Heck, get a tattoo that says "Consistency" in some fancy script if that what it takes. (Ok, maybe don't do that one.) The point is: Do what it takes to prioritize consistency. 

• Be impeccable with your word. Commit only to that which you will actually do. This requires taking a good look at your schedule, motivation, time and abilities. Yes, it's much easier said than done and there are plenty of online resources to help you with any of these items. Remember, being a people-pleaser doesn't please people when our words are hollow. Intentions don't provide.

• Take a self-inventory. Pay close attention to what you are consistent with right now. Are you moody?  ←Explore that. Do you make promises to yourself you don't keep (e.g., I'll exercise every day! I'll speak up more at work! I won't eat sugar! etc. etc.)? ←Stop that. Are you consistently inconsistent? ← Notice that. 

• Notice the ripple effect. We are all interconnected. Our attitudes, words, and actions have an effect on others. For example, when someone is counting on us and we don't do what we said we will do-- that impacts them and also their relationship with you. 

• Set a good example. Like it or not, others are watching.

I'd love to fly, read minds, time travel, and make myself invisible at will. But right now I'm pretty charged about enhancing my superpower of consistency. 

And to the naysayers who say consistency is overrated or dull, you are missing the point. 100% consistency doesn't exist. Of course, you can still change your mind, innovate, surprise people, and so on. The point is to be purposefully consistent with the things that matter. As Tony Robbins says,

"In essence, if we want to direct our lives, we must take control of our consistent actions. It's not what we do once in a while that shapes our lives, but what we do consistently. 

Time-Turner photo by Sarah Hall  https://www.flickr.com/photos/sarahxcaulfield/

Head Tilt #45: Model the way?

Leaders are often told to "model the way." I've coached them to do so, too. 

Modeling the way means:

setting the example,

leading the charge, and

navigating the path.

Those are solid leadership fundamentals.

But here's what model the way does NOT mean:

 

Model the way: make a team of your clones

 

The best leaders set the goals, parameters and metrics, and, whenever possible, provide their teams enough autonomy to get the work done their way. 

And when a team member comes to the leader for direction, a leader empowers them and says:

"I have some ideas,  but I want to hear your ideas, first."

That ↑↑ models the way of:

• humility (you don't know it all), 
• innovation (you encourage new approaches) and 
• coaching (you enable others to do great things). 

Similar to the "who are you wearing" question heard on the red carpet, 

"Hey leaders! What are you modeling for your teams?" 

Fabulous Lego stormtrooper mini-figures image by Andrew Martin from Pixabay 

 

Head Tilt #44: I feed you, you feedback

This is CoSo. He sits at my desk when I am not there. He loves doughnuts.

When cultivating corporate culture, many of the top global corporations are known for qualities such as:

• diversity
• respect
• innovation
• agility
• growth potential
• collaboration

Those are all so important! 

Creating a culture of feedback is, too.

Feedback, when delivered with the right intention and in the right way, can help develop, enhance, improve and strengthen an individual, team, or organization.

Instead of going into the nuts and bolts of how to give feedback, let's model the way for others by seeking it. 

GO FIRST!

Tell co-workers that you're looking to improve. Then ask:

"Can you tell me one thing I am doing well and one thing I could do to be even better?"  

Tie your request to specifics when applicable. For example, before giving a presentation ask your peer to watch for one thing you do well regarding the content of your presentation and one thing about your delivery that might need improvement. 

There's no guarantee they will ask you the same, BUT do it anyway. You'll get another's perspective and they'll get used to giving you feedback. 

WIN-WIN!

Head Tilt #43: Lessons from the leash

Indie and me at UCSC. 🐕 🏃‍♀️

Today I ran the forest trails on the University of California Santa Cruz campus. 

What a run! The sky was clear, the air was crisp with pine and eucalyptus, and the path was empty. I took one of our dogs, Indie, with me. I just adore her; she loves running in the forest-- everything is so ALIVE! (Plus, she gets to be off-leash at times.)

Running with her is also a great way to reinforce her training.

Today I noticed that I said five phrases to her throughout the whole run: 

Leave It

Stay Close

Let's Go

Almost Home

and with much enthusiasm, 

GOOD GIRL! 

As I coached Indie away from another dog near our home stretch, I reflected on the commands I used with her. 

What if, just for fun, I applied them to myself?

I saw it clearly: the Leave It command, spoken with authority, could redirect me when my mind ventures too close to negativity or self-doubt. 

Stay Close would remind me to stay on track and stay focused.

I could use Let's Go to gently push myself when I lag.

Almost Home would renew my commitment when I near completion of a goal. 

Finally, Good Girl!, repeated often, always with love, cheer and at least one exclamation point, could reinforce positive behavior and just make me happy. 🐶

No, I am not saying we should all talk to ourselves the way we talk to our dogs! 

But, if you love your dog and talk to them kindly, it could be a fun framework to ponder. 

For me, the beauty of the way I talk to my dogs rests in its intention, simplicity, clarity, and unconditional love. 

Not a bad foundation for self-talk, if you ask me!

Head Tilt #42: Your audience doesn't have x-ray vision

It’s story time!

You are about to give a presentation.

It's an important one.

Several people you respect are in attendance.

You prepared. You practiced. You're READY!

But you are still very nervous. 

You would rather wash your face with coarse sandpaper than give a speech.

Yet you persevere.

You begin the speech and notice your hands are shaking. Surely the audience noticed. That's okay; you put your hands to the side.

You keep going. 

You know your face flushed to a shade of crimson when you stumble over your words. That's hard to hide. You think everyone must be laughing inside, or at least feeling sorry for you.

Still, you plod on. 

Your heart is going Edgar-Allan-Poe-rogue on you: You are certain those in attendance can hear it pound with a pace that matches your anxiety. Can they even hear what you're saying over it?

But you can see the finish line. You're almost there...

Finally, you conclude the presentation. (Thank goodness!) 

You seem to navigate the Q&A with ease, but can't really be sure.

Then, just as you are about to exit the meeting room, an esteemed colleague compliments you on your presentation prowess.

Wait, what? 

You were a mess (or at least you felt that way). How could they think you did well?

And there you have it: You have just experienced the Illusion of Transparency. 

This cognitive bias occurs when we overestimate the degree of accuracy with which others interpret our internal state. We feel we are transparent and that our inner thoughts and experiences are obvious or even broadcast to others. 

But they're not. 

Translation: Often, our poker faces are better than we think. 🤨

Having taught presentation skills for 20+ years, I've witnessed the illusion of transparency countless times. Here is how it plays out:

A student or client will give a fantastic speech. Their research is sound. They are charismatic. The points are easy to follow, and their slides rock. 

And at the end, I'll give them a well-deserved compliment on their A+ presentation.

That's when they inevitably exhale loudly and say that they were so nervous and they were sure that everyone could tell!

Nope. Rarely can we tell. 

We're not as transparent as we think we are. 

Add to that: While we are the stars of our own show, everyone else is a star of their own show. What that means is that others do not think about us as much as we think they do. 😳

Exhale. You're doing better than you think.

Disclosure: I'm not sure who owns the photo, but isn't it awesome? 

Head Tilt #41: Handrails not handcuffs

I offer clients many researched, proven models to use in various communication situations.

• Do you want to give good feedback? Try the STAR model (Situation/Task/Action/Result)
• Are you dealing with difficult customers? Use LAST (Listen, Apologize, Solve, Thank)
• Do you need to get your team motivated as you move through a challenge? WOOP it up! (Wish-Outcome-Obstacle-Plan)
• Would you like to use a reliable coaching model? GROW is my go-to (Goal-Reality-Options-Way)
• Do you want to be more assertive? Try DESC scripting (Describe, Express, Specify, Consequences)

And so on and so on... 

Different tools for different subjects for different audiences and different results.

And with every model I teach, I always encourage learners to use them as handrails not handcuffs.

Handrails are there if we need them.

Handcuffs confine and limit us.

I am not teaching mathematical equations-- I am teaching communication strategies, tools that need to be adapted to the user's style, situation, goal and recipient. 

Modify as needed!

What are you using as handcuffs that you could repurpose as handrails? 

Photo by Pexels 

Head Tilt #40: Is anyone listening?

 

The fabulous Indie. Listening really is her superpower ❤️

When I ask clients to identify their communication superpower, many say they are great listeners. 

Okay. 🤨

I taught semester-long listening classes at a local college for 15 years... 

I know enough about listening to know that it is not everyone's superpower. Nor is it mine. 

Stellar listeners juggle many more skills than hearing. They are able to focus, ask good questions and encourage the speaker to talk, all while curbing their own desire to save the day by offering solutions or to defend themselves when the topic of conversation is directed at them.

Being a great listener is much harder than it sounds (pun intended). 

If you want listening to be your superpower, this is what (I think) I know:

1. Put your stuff aside. You can get it later, I promise. I have a "Check Ego" sticker on the dashboard of my car-- right near the “check oil” light. It was meant for my bumper, but why would I ask others to check their ego when I know it starts with me? If you truly want to be a great listener, check your ego and your issues at the door. This is not about you, at least not yet. Your rebuttals, defenses, and counterarguments can come later-- only after the person in front of you feels completely heard. Your goal: Connection

2. Every time your mind wanders, bring it back to the speaker. Like a litter of puppies waking from their nap, our minds wander. We come by this naturally: The average speaker talks at a rate of 125-150 words per minute, whereas we can process between 400-500  words per minute. That's a lot of downtime in our big brains! So, like those puppies, we look for other things to do: daydream, make lists, judge others, formulate our next response, and so on.  Through awareness and gentle repetition, train your brain to get laser-focused on the person talking to you. When you catch yourself drifting away, redirect. Again and again. Your goal: Presence

3. Ask Questions. Listening isn't a passive, silent role. While you should limit interruptions and be quiet so you can gather information, there is a time to insert your voice. Ask questions that help clarify ideas and aid in understanding, for the speaker and for you. Your Goal: Clarification and Comprehension

To get the speaker to clarify ideas; and to assist in your own comprehension of what's being said, ask questions like:

• What do you mean by ______?
• When is it better? When is it worst?
• Can you give me an example?    
• How do you see this being resolved?
• How can I help?  (my favorite)

Steer clear of assumptions and check the accuracy of your interpretations by asking questions like:

• It sounds like you felt misrepresented. Is that correct? 
• Your tone tells me you are more upset about this than you're letting on. Is that right? 

Top Tip: Tone matters. Any of these examples could sound condescending or accusatory with a slight shift in tone. The way you say it is as important as what you say. 

4. Encourage the speaker to continue.

That solution you know will work? Save it! When you want to open your mouth and let the words pour out: Zip it! Listening isn't about solving. Not yet. Resist the temptation to fix everything. No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.  Your Goal: Encouragement

Phrases you can interject for encouragement:

• I see.
• Tell me more.
• I get it. 
• Please continue. 

You can also nod, maintain eye contact, and lean in to show you're interested. 

When you feel like you understand and the speaker feels heard, then it is your turn to talk. And maybe, just maybe, they will listen to you like you listened to them.

Being great listener benefits our friends, partners, children, colleagues, employees, customers and ourselves! 

Though Superheroes are usually born with their powers (or in one case,  bitten by a spider), most of us have to work at this one. And it's worth it. 

Right now more than ever, the world needs stellar listeners. 

I know I do. 

What's your communication superpower?