Head Tilt #40: Is anyone listening?

 

The fabulous Indie. Listening really is her superpower ❤️

When I ask clients to identify their communication superpower, many say they are great listeners. 

Okay. 🤨

I taught semester-long listening classes at a local college for 15 years... 

I know enough about listening to know that it is not everyone's superpower. Nor is it mine. 

Stellar listeners juggle many more skills than hearing. They are able to focus, ask good questions and encourage the speaker to talk, all while curbing their own desire to save the day by offering solutions or to defend themselves when the topic of conversation is directed at them.

Being a great listener is much harder than it sounds (pun intended). 

If you want listening to be your superpower, this is what (I think) I know:

1. Put your stuff aside. You can get it later, I promise. I have a "Check Ego" sticker on the dashboard of my car-- right near the “check oil” light. It was meant for my bumper, but why would I ask others to check their ego when I know it starts with me? If you truly want to be a great listener, check your ego and your issues at the door. This is not about you, at least not yet. Your rebuttals, defenses, and counterarguments can come later-- only after the person in front of you feels completely heard. Your goal: Connection

2. Every time your mind wanders, bring it back to the speaker. Like a litter of puppies waking from their nap, our minds wander. We come by this naturally: The average speaker talks at a rate of 125-150 words per minute, whereas we can process between 400-500  words per minute. That's a lot of downtime in our big brains! So, like those puppies, we look for other things to do: daydream, make lists, judge others, formulate our next response, and so on.  Through awareness and gentle repetition, train your brain to get laser-focused on the person talking to you. When you catch yourself drifting away, redirect. Again and again. Your goal: Presence

3. Ask Questions. Listening isn't a passive, silent role. While you should limit interruptions and be quiet so you can gather information, there is a time to insert your voice. Ask questions that help clarify ideas and aid in understanding, for the speaker and for you. Your Goal: Clarification and Comprehension

To get the speaker to clarify ideas; and to assist in your own comprehension of what's being said, ask questions like:

• What do you mean by ______?
• When is it better? When is it worst?
• Can you give me an example?    
• How do you see this being resolved?
• How can I help?  (my favorite)

Steer clear of assumptions and check the accuracy of your interpretations by asking questions like:

• It sounds like you felt misrepresented. Is that correct? 
• Your tone tells me you are more upset about this than you're letting on. Is that right? 

Top Tip: Tone matters. Any of these examples could sound condescending or accusatory with a slight shift in tone. The way you say it is as important as what you say. 

4. Encourage the speaker to continue.

That solution you know will work? Save it! When you want to open your mouth and let the words pour out: Zip it! Listening isn't about solving. Not yet. Resist the temptation to fix everything. No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.  Your Goal: Encouragement

Phrases you can interject for encouragement:

• I see.
• Tell me more.
• I get it. 
• Please continue. 

You can also nod, maintain eye contact, and lean in to show you're interested. 

When you feel like you understand and the speaker feels heard, then it is your turn to talk. And maybe, just maybe, they will listen to you like you listened to them.

Being great listener benefits our friends, partners, children, colleagues, employees, customers and ourselves! 

Though Superheroes are usually born with their powers (or in one case,  bitten by a spider), most of us have to work at this one. And it's worth it. 

Right now more than ever, the world needs stellar listeners. 

I know I do. 

What's your communication superpower?