Head Tilt #20: The subject is subject lines



You've just returned from Bali.

The trip was transformational.

You learned the secret to true happiness.

You can hardly wait to share it with everyone!

So you carefully craft a detailed email with all the steps. 

"Surely this life-changing information will be well-received!" you think.

(People will probably write songs about you.) 

You press "send" and off goes your inspired message! 

You wait for the barrage of replies, questions, praise and gratitude. This is BIG!

But no one responds to your powerful email message. 

Not a single soul.

Why not?

Because you didn't put anything in the email's subject line, silly! 

For real, the subject line of an email (or lack thereof) often determines if a message reaches your target audience (thank you, spam filters) or if it is opened at all.  

If they do open your subjectless message, you risk frustrating your reader, even more, when they try to decipher what it's all about. Consider this:

"Over 347 billion emails will be sent and received per day by 2022." 99Firms

That's a lot of email!

When it comes to fine-tuning your subject line, be kind: consider your audience and pair specificity with brevity. 

Here is the least you need to know about creating a strong subject line. 

1. Use one (see example above).

2. Think mobile. Between 85-95% of people check email on their mobile devices. Because different email servers display a varied amount of characters from one device to another, the recommended sweet-spot is 40 characters.

3. Make every word matter. Add a date and/or detail for specificity and organization. (E.g., "Notes from 3/11/21 sales meeting").

4. If your message is time-sensitive or requires a response, start the subject line with a key word or phrase such as "Action requested" or "Input needed." Follow that up with the related subject. For example: "Confirmation: Menu for Friday's HR training"

5. And please-oh-please purge these meaningless subject lines from your mind, fingertips, and keyboard:
  • Meeting
  • Update
  • Checking in
  • Hi    
  • Status


Email Subject Lines from Nielsen Norman Group

Photo by Alexandr Podvalny from Pexels


Head Tilt #19: Fundamentally speaking

Someone cuts you off in traffic. 


"That jerk!" you think (or, if you're like me, you'll use more colorful descriptors). It doesn't matter to you that the driver might be stressed, late, or even in labor.


They did a BAD THING because they're a BAD PERSON.  😈



On the other hand, we only do "bad" things because of external influences. 😇


And ↑that↑ is fundamental attribution error in action. 

Fundamental attribution error is a cognitive bias that takes two possible explanations for behavior into consideration:


1. Our behaviors are influenced by internal characteristics like personality and disposition (it's just the way someone is). 


2. Our behaviors are influenced by external situational factors (such as stress, labor, etc).


Here's the twist (and therefore, the "error"):

Research shows that when interpreting other people's behavior, particularly behavior that bugs us like being cut off by someone in traffic, we are more inclined to attribute others' behavior to internal factors.  Our minds don't immediately leap to looking for reasonable explanations. Instead, we go to the accusation: They're simply a rude, reckless idiot. 


BUT!


When interpreting our own behavior, e.g., we are the ones to cut someone off in traffic, we are quick to attach our behaviors to external reasons. It's someone or something else's fault:


"I am late and need to move, and besides, they didn't even need to tap their brakes-- I'm such a good driver."

or

"This person isn't driving fast enough, and I must pass them."

or

"If this person weren't a Sunday driver, I wouldn't have to cut them off."

Blame. Blame. Blame.


So what to do?

1. Be aware of this inclination. Interesting to note is that Americans (who live in a traditionally competitive culture) are more likely to have this bias than those in other less me-oriented and more collaborative cultures, such as those in India for example. 


2. Put distance between stimulus and response. Breathe. Don't react on your first impulse. 


3. Offer three possible alternative explanations other than blaming another's personality/internal attributions -- no matter how outrageous those explanations might be. For example, the next time someone cuts you off and your heart rate accelerates along with your speed, pause and say, 


"There must be free doughnuts up at the next exit. " 


You never know. 🍩 🍩 🍩


Cognitive biases such as fundamental attribution error limit our empathy and understanding of others. These prejudices color the way we respond to others. 


Becoming aware of such biases helps you become

better leader, 

a better friend, 

a better partner and

 

a better person. 


Image by anya1 from Pixabay 




Head Tilt #18: Upcoming Presentation? Work it out!

Do you warm up before a workout? 

Maybe stretch or do some light cardio? 

How about at the end of a workout? Do you cool down with some more stretching? 

We all know that the best-planned workouts have three parts: The warm-up, the workout itself, and the cool-down. 

When I was younger, I rarely warmed up before I ran. I'd lace up and start running as soon as I went out the door. Ah, the bliss of youth, ego, and ignorance. 

I was a tiny bit better with the cool-down part, but I was not very intentional about it. 

I'd walk a little...Maybe...Some days...If I had time. 

But...

The older I get, the louder my body tells me that skipping the warm-up and cool-down is not optional! My workouts are just not as effective without all three parts. (And let's not even talk about aches and injuries. Ah, aging is so much fun!)

Did you know that all three parts —warm-up, workout, and cool-down are essential for many communication interactions, as well?

Take a presentation, for example:

  • Warm up with an introduction. Establish credibility, connect with the audience, and preview what's to come. 
  • Work out by supporting your ideas. Back up your main points with stories, facts, statistics, and examples. 
  • Cool down with a conclusion. Review your main points and close with a call to action or a Jerry Springer final thought. End with a bang, not a whimper!

Or a meeting:

  • Warm up by connecting with each other. (Don't skip this part— especially in virtual meetings!)
  • Work out by following a well-crafted agenda.
  • Cool down by clarifying action items. Give recognition for contributions and time well spent.

Or a one-on-one coaching conversation.

  • Warm up by stating your intention. 
  • Work out by balancing the time you spend listening and talking.
  • Cool down by identifying agreements and next steps. Express gratitude.


For the best outcomes, don't skip any of the three parts!


Now, please excuse me... I have some overdue stretching to do. 😊 












Me, after a good warm up, running on the UC Santa Cruz campus.

Head Tilt #17: Where the magic happens


So far, I've shared some of my favorite communication tips. 

When teaching these topics throughout the years, there is one question that comes up from time to time.

 "But, Michelle, what if I do all of these things and they don't work?"

Pause. 

Don't "work"? 

These aren't magic tricks that work if you use just the right sleight of hand. 

These are communication tools that enable you to show up at your best all the time. 

Don't be too discouraged if they don't "work." 

Keep trying. Make consistency your secret weapon. Make clear, kind communication part of your personal brand.

And know that despite your efforts:

  • Sometimes the customer will still be angry. 
  • Sometimes your message might not land the way you'd hoped. 
  • Sometimes you won't be able to determine the positive intent of others-- no matter how hard you try.

But also know this:

Sometimes at the end of the day when things don't go as you had hoped, you still have the satisfaction of knowing you did the best you could. No do-overs, no regrets. You showed up with integrity and you mindfully communicated  with clarity and kindness. You were kindful.
And THAT is where you'll find the magic. 


mw




Head Tilt #16: Let's start at the very beginning

.  
 (I hear it's a very good place to start.)*

 

“Mindset change is not about picking up a few pointers here and there. It's about seeing things in a new way.” 
Carol Dweck, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. 


In the customer service classes I teach, we cover some of the things you'd expect to see associated with such a subject: how to analyze your customers, how to show empathy, how to deal with disgruntled people, etc., etc.

But I always start the class by talking about adopting a service mindset.  

Simply stated, a mindset is the mental lens of attitude and assumption that colors the interpretation of our experiences. 

 Some people have a fixed mindset, assuming they can never change it.  For example, they see everything through a lens of blue and it will always be that way. "It is just the way I am," they say.

Others have a growth mindset, one they know to be pliable. They believe that their perspectives can evolve with awareness and practice. They view life through a kaleidoscope of color. "I can see things differently," they say.

(I'm betting that the people who are reading this blog subscribe to the growth mindset.)

To strengthen your service mindset, look at your job as a service provider through these powerful lenses:

1. Gratitude: Appreciate the opportunity to interact with customers and coworkers. 

2. Helpfulness: Relish helping others find solutions to their problems. 

3. Expertise: Commit to learning about your job, company, and coworkers. 

4. Empathy: Pledge to understand another's point of view.

5. Responsibility: Recognize the importance of being the face of your company, regardless of your title.

6. Leadership: Be a role model of great service.

Try each mindset on and see how different your service looks. 

See? 

We start at the very beginning. 

Great service doesn't start with a smile.

It starts with our mindset. 


mw



*Image stolen from the internet. I am sorry. It was too good to pass up.






Head Tilt #14: I learned it in pre-K

Indra Nooyi is the former Chair and CEO of PepsiCo, and her name often appears on the list of the world's most powerful women. She once said that "to always assume positive intent,"* was the best advice she ever received. She learned it from her father. 

I agree! It's one of the most powerful tools in a good communicator's toolkit. 

But I didn't learn it from Indra Nooyi. Instead, I learned that lesson from Teacher Laura, my son's pre-Kindergarten teacher, many years ago.

Teacher Laura believed that most human actions are spurred by a positive intent. It's our job to discover that intention. We can do this by staying present with others and not being reactive. 

Once when volunteering in the pre-K class, I saw Teacher Laura put this in action. 

Three five-year-olds were playing together in the sand pit; two little boys stood on either side of a little girl. 

The boys were giddy. They giggled with excitement. 

The little girl was... crying. She held on tightly to the sides of the yellow-flowered hat on her head as her two friends sprinkled it with water from colorful plastic watering cans. Big tears rolled down her cheeks and blended in with the wet tracks of the water.

The boys were delighted!

Their classmate was miserable.

Enter: Teacher Laura

WAIT! 

Before reading how she handled it, what would you do if one of those children was yours? Would you yell at the boys? Would you ask them what the heck they were doing? Full disclosure: If that was my daughter crying, I probably would have done just that. 

Teacher Laura handled it differently, however. 

With lightning speed, she got the children's attention and stopped the bucket brigade. She didn't raise her voice nor draw attention. She swiftly got the little girl with one of the other teachers and then went back to talk to the boys. She kneeled down to their level and spoke calmly and kindly.

    Teacher Laura (TL): "Boys. Did you see your friend was crying?"

    Boys: "What? No. We didn't know!" 

    TL: "Oh, she was. See? She's okay now. But I am curious...what were you doing with her?"

    Boys (excitedly): "We were watering her hat!" 

    TL: "Oh, tell me more!"

    Boys: "She has flowers on her hat, and she said we could water them, so we were!"

    TL: "Oh! She did? Did she like that?"

    Boys: "Yes! She was laughing! We didn't know she started to cry." 

As it turned out, their friend confirmed that is exactly what happened. The three preschoolers were playing, and one happily agreed the others could water the bright decorative flowers on her hat. What she didn't anticipate, however, was how awful it would feel to have a soggy hat on her head. More importantly, she didn't know to tell her friends to stop. 

What stood out to me in this example was how Laura assumed positive intent when talking with the boys. She didn't yell, accuse them or get angry. She kicked her emotions into neutral, so to speak, and got curious. The only way she would get to the bottom of the story was by assuming positive intent and asking good questions. 

Imagine what would have happened if she'd jumped to conclusions ("Bad boys!") and scolded them immediately. 

Instead, it was a teachable moment about being aware of others and also about saying no. 

(And what was once an unspoken rule about not pouring water on each other now became a formal declaration.)

Assume

Positive

Intent

Try it; it's a game-changer! 

It's also one of the key skills I've been teaching people throughout the years. Instead of being reactive, we can choose to pause and get curious. We can look for the intention behind the action, even if it doesn't make sense to us at the moment. 

Try assuming positive intent with your kids. Practice it with your co-workers. Certainly use it with your dissatisfied customers. 

How? 

1. Begin by giving people the benefit of the doubt. Very few people operate from a place of ill intent, even if they are doing or saying things differently than you would.

2. Instead of meeting the world with your boxing gloves on, start with the assumption that people are fair, honest, and good. If that's too much of a stretch, kick it back to neutral and assume that, in general, people are at least okay-ish. When we're looking at the world through the lens of good or bad, we will find evidence to support our views or values. (That's called confirmation bias.)

3. Know your own triggers. What sets you off?  When we can identify what triggers our emotions (and sends us into negative, impulsive communication), we can strategize ways to reduce our defensiveness and choose better responses. 

4. Put some distance between the stimulus (in this case, what triggers you) and your response (your reaction). Count to ten, breathe, do what it takes to snap out of autopilot and rote scripts. 

5. Increase awareness of your own stereotypes and judgments. Set them aside! (You can always get them back later if you must.)

6. Stay curious and ask good questions instead of jumping to conclusions-- even when you think you know the motivation behind something. 

Again, there's so much more to explore around this concept! In closing, though, I think Indra Nooyi said it well:

Whatever anyone does or says, assume positive intent. You will be amazed at how your whole approach to a person or problem becomes very different. When you assume negative intent, you're angry. If you take away that anger and assume positive intent, you will be amazed.*


*https://archive.fortune.com/galleries/2008/fortune/0804/gallery.bestadvice.fortune/7.html

 Image by: Alexandra ❤️A life without animals is not worth living❤️ from Pixabay

Head Tilt #13: Smiles everyone, smiles!

Fake it until you make it. 

(Sometimes.)

Recently, awesome human/Peloton instructor Robin Arzon said (through the app and my Airpods) that when feeling fatigued during a long run, we should smile-- it will make it better. I laughed at the suggestion but tried it anyway. 

She was not wrong. 

Researchers from the University of Kansas* studied the relationship between facial expressions and the body's reaction to stress. To do so, they put three different groups of people through stressful situations (like using the non-dominant hand to copy an image seen in a mirror or plunging their fist into a bucket of ice water) -- all while holding a single chopstick in their mouth. The researchers monitored participants' heart rates throughout the experiment.

  • The first group simply rested the chopstick horizontally gently between their teeth, keeping their lips relaxed (neutral expression).
  • The second group was told to hold it similarly, yet to show some teeth (standard smile).
  • The third group  gripped the chopstick in their mouths while fully engaging their facial muscles-- all the way up to their eyes. This expression actually has a name: It's called the Duchenne smile and is achieved when one activates the muscles in the corner of the mouth, cheeks and corners of the eyes all at once.


Any guesses about the study's results? 


All three groups experienced similar initial reactions of stress. Their heart rates initially escalated with each challenge. 


BUT!


The heart rates of people in the two groups that held the chopstick with some degree of smile returned to normal quicker than the heart rates measured in the straight-faced group. The smiling groups, particularly the one with the Duchenne smile, actually decreased their bodies' physical response to stress faster than those with the neutral-expression.

The researchers concluded that in limited stressful situations, faking a smile actually has a positive physiological component. (Conversely, when we fake a smile too often for long-term  stressful situations we actually become more stressed ourselves because of the energy needed to keep up the incongruence.)

If you need more reasons to bust an ear-to-ear grin, know that smiling while speaking creates an auditory smile that listeners actually "hear" without seeing it! Subtle nonverbal signals like this can pack a big impact on one's interpretation of a message. This is particularly good to know when solving customer problems on the phone.  And when face-to-face, smiling can actually be contagious, too (thanks to mirror neurons that light up in our brains).  True story.

There's so much more to expand upon, but in the sake of brevity:

 We have so many good reasons to smile, especially when stressed!

And one more thing:   Even though I love to run, if you see me with a goofy grin while  forging up a steep hill, cut me a break. I might just be giving my heart a little nonverbal support. 


Image by Gino Crescoli from Pixabay

*Full article: https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/releases/smiling-facilitates-stress-recovery.html

Head Tilt #12: Say a lot with fewer words

Imagine you have a word bank that only allows a few words to be withdrawn each day. Could you still cultivate positive relationships with your team and reach business goals without running out of words?

Here are some of the shortest sentences with the biggest payoffs toward connection and engagement with others.

One word: Yes.

This one little word is a powerhouse! Richard Branson uses this word so much at work that he earned the nickname "Dr. Yes." Shonda Rimes proved this wee-word's force in her book, The Year of Yes. Yes opens doors, spurs creativity, and affirms others. YES!

(If you have extra words, yes pairs nicely with the word and ...)

Two words: Thank you.

Sincere gratitude actually releases dopamine and serotonin- the feel-good neurotransmitters in our brains- thus, elevating the moods of both the giver and the receiver of the recognition. Bada bing, bada boom!

(If you have extra words, extend this little phrase with specific details about what was appreciated.)

Three words: Tell me more. 

This little sentence is packed with interest, humility, and presence. Trade certainty for curiosity and give others the gift of being truly heard by you. 

(If you have extra words, pair tell me more with tell me more again and again until you can clearly understand and empathize with someone.)

Four words: What do you think?

When someone comes to you with a question, empower them by asking, "What do you think?" before rushing to give the answer. Nurture an environment of thought and innovation.

(If you have extra words, what do you think pairs beautifully with tell me more.)

Yes, I hope you liked this post. 

Thank you for reading it! 

Tell me more about your own favorite powerful words or phrases. 

What do you think I should write about next?



mw

Head Tilt #11: Forget the gold, I'll take the platinum, please!

The Golden Rule— We've heard it since we were kids. 

"Treat others the way you want to be treated." 

Ugh.

When you really think about it, that is so self-centered and presumptive!

Hear me out: Is it okay for me to operate through life thinking that everyone wants to be treated just like I do? 

Let's test-drive this with some of the ways I like to be treated at work. If the Golden Rule is in place then it's safe for me to assume that:

  • Because I like praise for things I do well, then everyone else probably does, too.  Therefore I should give lots of praise to everyone. (Wrong! Some people don't need it or want it!)
  •  Because I like to work autonomously, then everyone else must like to work without much  supervision, too. Therefore, I should manage others that way. (Wrong! We all have different working styles!)
  • (Pre-Covid) Since I liked being greeted by close co-workers with a friendly hug, then everyone else must like this, too, so let's all lean in!  (Um, let's not!)

Several years ago I learned of the Platinum Rule and I haven't stopped telling others about it since. 

Coined by communication guru, Milton Bennett, the platinum rule posits that the way to enhance empathy and connection is to treat others the way they want to be treated. Instead of viewing the world through the lens of me-me-me, we adapt our communication to other's needs and preferences.

I have an outgoing, outspoken, fun friend, let's call her Mel, who illustrated this well when she told me a story about positive feedback she gave one of her co-workers. The team succeeded on a tough project and Mel was stoked! As she approached the parking lot at the end of the day, she saw her teammate across the way and yelled, "Hey Ninja! You ROCKED it today! I'm grateful for you!" 

(This was exactly how Mel liked to be recognized, by the way.)

Her co-worker, however, was quite introverted. Mel's high-energy praise embarrassed him. To hear Mel tell it, she says he might as well have melted into the blacktop. Mel's intent was positive-- she wanted to acknowledge his hard work. Her impact fell flat though, since he didn't feel great about her kind (and loud) words. Who knows if he even really heard them through his embarrassment?

Quick learner that she is, Mel quickly scrapped the Golden Rule and upgraded to Platinum. 

The goal of any communication should be to get a message to another as effectively as possible. That doesn't mean as easily as possible, or as quickly as possible. Effectiveness, in this arena, calls for a mindful adaptation to other's needs. 

But how? 

There are two ways to figure out how someone likes to be treated. 

First, ask. Make space for conversations about people's preferences. Sticking with the example of recognition, in a staff meeting ask employees how they like to be recognized for good work. Remember: Your goal is for the communication, in this case recognition,  to have a positive impact. Amazon gift cards might be easy, but they might not stand out as special, either. Maybe a note to the boss would be better. 

The other way to find out how others like to be treated is to pay attention. You might need fewer check-ins on a project, but you notice that your direct report asks lots of questions and requires a bit more guidance. Adapt to their needs. Don't assume they' are just like you.

When it comes to market values, gold and platinum prices fluctuate. When it comes to communication, however, platinum rules.


Treat others the way they want to be treated.

Photo by Dima Valkov from Pexels


Head Tilt #10: It ain't what you do, it's the way that you do it


"Trust is like the air we breathe. When it's present, no one really notices.  
When it's absent, everyone notices."   

Warren Buffett 


Last week I was the tour guide (my preferred title- hah!) for a virtual leadership training on trust. 

I've been certified to teach Stephen M.R. Covey's Speed of Trust, so I had a lot to say. 

But as everyone is experiencing Zoom Fatigue, I wanted to keep it sharp, short, and audience-centered. 

(Who needs to listen to me blah-blah-blah for three hours? NO ONE! EVER!)

First, we built a case for trust in today's workplace. 

A few years ago, research posted in the Harvard Business Review concluded that virtual teammates are 2.5 times more likely to perceive MISTRUST, INCOMPETENCE, and BROKEN COMMITMENTS with remote teammates (vs. in-office).* 

Worse yet: It takes them 5 to 10 times longer to address their concerns!

Can you imagine how these numbers have escalated since the pandemic?


Building trust in the workplace is more important now than ever.


Next, we talked about being both trusting and trustworthy, two sides of the same leader's coin.

And then we applied Covey's framework.

Specifically, trust is a combination of two things:

WHAT YOU DO

    People want to know their leaders are competent (You are capable and you get results) and

WHO YOU ARE

    People want to know their leaders have a strong character (You have integrity and positive intent).


One without the other just doesn't fit the bill. To be our best, we need both. 

Imagine a leader who knows everything there is to know about blockchain, for example, but is self-serving and exclusive. 

Or how about a leader who is kind and humble but doesn't have a shred of professional expertise?

Neither has the sum of what it takes to be an excellent leader, let alone a teammate. 

There is a lot more to say (read Covey's The Speed of Trust!) but for now, here are some reflection questions:

How's your competence Do you know your job/craft well? Are you a trusted expert? Do you follow procedures and policies? Do you strive to get better?

How's your character?  Do you declare your (positive) intention in conversation? Do you do what you say you will do? Do you exhibit your company's (and your own) values? 

Building, maintaining, and restoring trust is a process that merits our full attention.

Let's commit to showing up with the utmost competence and stellar character!

mw

Oh, and if that song in this post's title is going through your mind now, you're welcome! Enjoy the 1982 cover video from Fun Boy Three and Bananarama. :)

Photo by Alexandr Podvalny from Pexels

*Joseph Grenny. How to Raise Sensitive Issues During a Remote Meeting. https://hbr.org/2017/03/how-to-raise-sensitive-issues-during-a-virtual-meeting



Head Tilt #9: Ummmmm..... are you sure, Mary?

Let's just call her Mary. She's the one who humiliated me greatly and taught me even more, all with one comment. 


It was 2004, and my book, Dancing with the Diagnosis, had just been published by a small press. I was so excited! After all the work, revisions, and publishing house queries, I was a published author!


I spoke at book shops (remember those?) and did a handful of radio interviews. I even got to speak on an internationally broadcasted television show to a live audience of 3,000.


It was a dream come true! My story about cancer was positively impacting others!


Wait, back up. 


Just before the actual book hit the store shelves, a friend of a friend hooked me up with a Toastmasters group (an organization I truly respect!), that was doing a summer speaking series. They were interested in having new authors talk about the publishing process. They invited me to speak to a small group of about 30 people, all of whom were committed to the craft of speaking in public. As a public speaking instructor and soon-to-be published author, I was thrilled! 


Before the presentation, my contact, "Mary", asked if I wanted feedback from the group.


That made sense: this was an organization where people practiced public speaking before each other in order to improve. However, because I was a guest speaker, I told Mary that I welcomed written feedback, but I'd feel odd to be critiqued verbally in front of the group. 


She agreed. I proceeded. 


My speech went so well! I did everything I coached my students and clients to do: Strong introduction, liberal use of transitions, extemporaneous delivery, etc. I spoke for 18 minutes and then took questions from the audience. I was happy! 


At the end of every Toastmasters meeting, people with certain assigned roles give the speakers feedback on their presentations. There is even an appointed "um counter" who tallies the vocalized pauses in each presentation. 


As the meeting closed, Mary, who happened to be the evening's um counter, stood up with her tally. 


"Mina had zero ums!" 

"Jeff had 5 ums!" 

"And, Michelle Waters, the public speaking instructor, had 23 ums!"


(Cue the sound of a record scratch!)


The audience looked around awkwardly. 


Some people gave sympathetic smiles. 


Some shrugged their shoulders. 


I was embarrassed.


I know I didn't say um during my speech. Not once. What the heck was Mary doing? I sat there, feeling very small.


When the meeting concluded, I approached Mary. I had figured it out. 

      

Me: I didn't say um once during my speech, did I? 


Mary: Nope! Not once during your speech. 


Me: It was all in my Q&A, wasn't it?


Mary: Yep! When you didn't know what was coming, you resorted to um. 


Oh, what a great lesson I learned!


We practice for the "big event" but so often forget that we are on before and after that event as well. 


Though I didn't appreciate being called out in front of everyone, I can say with confidence that I rarely say um during a question and answer period ever since. 


Thanks, Mary. 


Image by Roland Steinmann from Pixabay