The Golden Rule— We've heard it since we were kids.
"Treat others the way you want to be treated."
Ugh.
When you really think about it, that is so self-centered and presumptive!
Hear me out: Is it okay for me to operate through life thinking that everyone wants to be treated just like I do?
Let's test-drive this with some of the ways I like to be treated at work. If the Golden Rule is in place then it's safe for me to assume that:
- Because I like praise for things I do well, then everyone else probably does, too. Therefore I should give lots of praise to everyone. (Wrong! Some people don't need it or want it!)
- Because I like to work autonomously, then everyone else must like to work without much supervision, too. Therefore, I should manage others that way. (Wrong! We all have different working styles!)
- (Pre-Covid) Since I liked being greeted by close co-workers with a friendly hug, then everyone else must like this, too, so let's all lean in! (Um, let's not!)
Several years ago I learned of the Platinum Rule and I haven't stopped telling others about it since.
Coined by communication guru, Milton Bennett, the platinum rule posits that the way to enhance empathy and connection is to treat others the way they want to be treated. Instead of viewing the world through the lens of me-me-me, we adapt our communication to other's needs and preferences.
I have an outgoing, outspoken, fun friend, let's call her Mel, who illustrated this well when she told me a story about positive feedback she gave one of her co-workers. The team succeeded on a tough project and Mel was stoked! As she approached the parking lot at the end of the day, she saw her teammate across the way and yelled, "Hey Ninja! You ROCKED it today! I'm grateful for you!"
(This was exactly how Mel liked to be recognized, by the way.)
Her co-worker, however, was quite introverted. Mel's high-energy praise embarrassed him. To hear Mel tell it, she says he might as well have melted into the blacktop. Mel's intent was positive-- she wanted to acknowledge his hard work. Her impact fell flat though, since he didn't feel great about her kind (and loud) words. Who knows if he even really heard them through his embarrassment?
Quick learner that she is, Mel quickly scrapped the Golden Rule and upgraded to Platinum.
The goal of any communication should be to get a message to another as effectively as possible. That doesn't mean as easily as possible, or as quickly as possible. Effectiveness, in this arena, calls for a mindful adaptation to other's needs.
But how?
There are two ways to figure out how someone likes to be treated.
First, ask. Make space for conversations about people's preferences. Sticking with the example of recognition, in a staff meeting ask employees how they like to be recognized for good work. Remember: Your goal is for the communication, in this case recognition, to have a positive impact. Amazon gift cards might be easy, but they might not stand out as special, either. Maybe a note to the boss would be better.
The other way to find out how others like to be treated is to pay attention. You might need fewer check-ins on a project, but you notice that your direct report asks lots of questions and requires a bit more guidance. Adapt to their needs. Don't assume they' are just like you.
When it comes to market values, gold and platinum prices fluctuate. When it comes to communication, however, platinum rules.
Treat others the way they want to be treated.