Head Tilt #83: Remove the (listening) barriers!

What is getting in the way of your listening skills?

I'm always skeptical when someone tells me they're a great listener.

Why?

Because after teaching a semester-long college listening class for 15 years, I know that being a good listener is arduous work.

One thing I recommend to improve your listening skills is to identify what gets in the way of being an excellent listener.

This is not an exhaustive list (!), but take note of the ones that apply to you:

• Daydreaming (too much downtime or drifting off-topic)
• Stereotyping the speaker; judging the speaker before they even start talking
• Formulating your next response (remember: The purpose of listening is to UNDERSTAND, not to REPLY)
• Communicating from locked roles/scripts (I say this, and you say that... it’s the way it always is)
• Knowing too much or too little about the subject and tuning out accordingly
• Listening only for information that is congruent with your beliefs (selective listening)
• Listening defensively (with the goal of defending your position or crushing theirs)
• Not hearing anything you don’t want to hear
• Not liking the subject
• Problems listening to/comprehending the message because of the speaker’s enunciation, accent, organization, clarity, speed, volume, tone, inflections, emotions, differences, or appearance
• Problems with the communication channel (for example, face-to-face vs. phone)
• Problems with the motivation for communication (for example, does your job or relationship depend on it?)
• No time to listen/no bandwidth/no patience
• Assuming it’s the same story you’ve already heard and tuning it out
• Fatigue—being too tired to really pay attention
• Hunger—(having low blood sugar that makes it hard to pay attention!)
• Interrupting

To remove less-than-effective habits, try this: NOTICE-PLAN-PRACTICE-MEASURE

First, we notice what gets in our way. (You just did that! Well done!). Next, we create a plan to eliminate or reduce the ineffective habit. We then practice our plan and measure our improvement. Change doesn’t come instantly, but it is certainly possible and worth the effort.

For example, if you notice that you always tune out during an afternoon meeting because you’re hungry, you can plan to hydrate and eat a small healthy snack before the meeting. You could practice this plan and measure the results (see if it helps you pay attention), thus breaking through a listening barrier.

TOP TIP

Being a great listener takes time and presence. When you are short on time or attention, be prepared to communicate openly by respectfully saying something like, “I’d like to listen to you, and I only have five minutes right now… can we make a plan to meet later when I can give you my full attention?”

I know I always have areas to improve upon! Meanwhile, how will you improve your listening skills?

Awesome pic from pixabay ❤️

Head Tilt #66: "I murdered my grandmother this morning."

Alexa, are you listening?

 

“I murdered my grandmother this morning.”

 

That’s what Franklin D. Roosevelt reportedly murmured to each guest he met in a long receiving line when he was president.

 

He wanted to test whether or not people actually listened to him.

 

Most people smiled. Some said, “thank you” and others said, “How kind.”

 

Only one retorted, “I’m sure she had it coming to her.”

 

(Originally reported in 1954, even Snopes can’t prove or disprove this story.)

 

How do you know if someone is listening to you?

 

I have a Spidey-sense for it. I tune into the timing of comments, the sound of clicking of keyboards through the phone, and the disjointed auto-responses.

 

I’m known to stop talking and ask, “Is there a better time to talk? I sense that you’re distracted.” 

 

I also think I’m pretty good at covering it up when I’m the one who is not listening. Watch me slyly Google the weather in Scotland while a friend details her frustration with the barista who gave her almond milk when she ordered oat milk.

 

No matter how good I am at deceiving the speaker, it’s not cool.

 

Research of more than 3,600 professionals at all levels from 30 countries concluded that those who tout their excellent listening skills are the same ones who also confess to multitasking and “tuning out” during conference calls.

 

Another study of students in grades one through 12 (think ages 6 through 18) determined that listening declines with age.

 

What?! I am way past age 18, so it’s safe to say I’m in trouble. We all are. 

 

As defined by the International Listening Association, listening is “the process of receiving, constructing meaning from and responding to spoken and/or nonverbal messages.” 

It’s complex. 

It takes time. 

It takes effort.

 

And it’s one of the most valuable skills we can hone.

 

If we don’t spend more time improving our skills, soon Amazon’s Alexa might be the only one who is listening.

 

 

This post is part of a series that is inspired by (and partially lifted from) my business communication textbook, It’s All of Our Business, co-authored by Dan Rothwell and published by Oxford University Press, 2022.

Photo by Anete Lusina from Pexels

Head Tilt #40: Is anyone listening?

 

The fabulous Indie. Listening really is her superpower ❤️

When I ask clients to identify their communication superpower, many say they are great listeners. 

Okay. 🤨

I taught semester-long listening classes at a local college for 15 years... 

I know enough about listening to know that it is not everyone's superpower. Nor is it mine. 

Stellar listeners juggle many more skills than hearing. They are able to focus, ask good questions and encourage the speaker to talk, all while curbing their own desire to save the day by offering solutions or to defend themselves when the topic of conversation is directed at them.

Being a great listener is much harder than it sounds (pun intended). 

If you want listening to be your superpower, this is what (I think) I know:

1. Put your stuff aside. You can get it later, I promise. I have a "Check Ego" sticker on the dashboard of my car-- right near the “check oil” light. It was meant for my bumper, but why would I ask others to check their ego when I know it starts with me? If you truly want to be a great listener, check your ego and your issues at the door. This is not about you, at least not yet. Your rebuttals, defenses, and counterarguments can come later-- only after the person in front of you feels completely heard. Your goal: Connection

2. Every time your mind wanders, bring it back to the speaker. Like a litter of puppies waking from their nap, our minds wander. We come by this naturally: The average speaker talks at a rate of 125-150 words per minute, whereas we can process between 400-500  words per minute. That's a lot of downtime in our big brains! So, like those puppies, we look for other things to do: daydream, make lists, judge others, formulate our next response, and so on.  Through awareness and gentle repetition, train your brain to get laser-focused on the person talking to you. When you catch yourself drifting away, redirect. Again and again. Your goal: Presence

3. Ask Questions. Listening isn't a passive, silent role. While you should limit interruptions and be quiet so you can gather information, there is a time to insert your voice. Ask questions that help clarify ideas and aid in understanding, for the speaker and for you. Your Goal: Clarification and Comprehension

To get the speaker to clarify ideas; and to assist in your own comprehension of what's being said, ask questions like:

• What do you mean by ______?
• When is it better? When is it worst?
• Can you give me an example?    
• How do you see this being resolved?
• How can I help?  (my favorite)

Steer clear of assumptions and check the accuracy of your interpretations by asking questions like:

• It sounds like you felt misrepresented. Is that correct? 
• Your tone tells me you are more upset about this than you're letting on. Is that right? 

Top Tip: Tone matters. Any of these examples could sound condescending or accusatory with a slight shift in tone. The way you say it is as important as what you say. 

4. Encourage the speaker to continue.

That solution you know will work? Save it! When you want to open your mouth and let the words pour out: Zip it! Listening isn't about solving. Not yet. Resist the temptation to fix everything. No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.  Your Goal: Encouragement

Phrases you can interject for encouragement:

• I see.
• Tell me more.
• I get it. 
• Please continue. 

You can also nod, maintain eye contact, and lean in to show you're interested. 

When you feel like you understand and the speaker feels heard, then it is your turn to talk. And maybe they will listen to you like you listened to them.

Being a great listener benefits our friends, partners, children, colleagues, employees, customers, and ourselves! 

Though superheroes are usually born with their powers (or, in one case, bitten by a spider), most of us have to work at this one. And it's worth it. 

Right now, more than ever, the world needs stellar listeners. 

I know I do. 

What's your communication superpower?