Imagine this:
You lead the weekly team Zoom call. This week, a member of your group-- who usually contributes a lot-- has their camera off and participates very little. When you send a private chat message asking them if everything is ok, they send you a "thumbs up" reaction. That's out of character, you note. Before the meeting adjourns, you ask them to update the team on a pivotal project. They respond curtly and say, "All is well, and we will meet the deadline."
At this point you're starting to take it personally. Why are they being so rude? Camera off, no participation, vague update. They embarrassed you in front of the team. What the heck? You are beginning to suspect that their odd behavior is due to their dissatisfaction with the way you handled a recent client situation.
You decide to call them up to call them on their stuff...
STOP!
Before you go into defense mode, this is the *perfect* time to check perceptions.
The perception-checking model has three steps, but before we get to that, kick back and enjoy this mini-lecture, truncated from the college classroom.
1. Perception is the ability to become aware of something through our senses. We have a preponderance of stimuli coming our way at any given moment. Perception is the active process of noticing, choosing, organizing, interpreting, and understanding sensory information.
2. All perceptions are subjective. They are individually interpreted and, therefore, not the same for everyone.
3. Sensory stimuli travels through our perceptual filters in order to interpret it. You know those plexiglass face shields some people wore during the pandemic in lieu of, or along with, masks? Our perceptual filters are like porous layer upon layer of those shields. Stimuli goes through each shield (filter). Perceptual filters include life experience, attitude, age, gender, knowledge, culture, and values—just to name a few. And, to make it extra-fun: these filters vary from person to person.
Here is the least you need to know for the quiz.*
To enhance shared understanding and to decrease interpersonal conflict, we need to check our perceptions instead of assuming they represent reality.
And here is how to check perceptions IRL.
Step 1: State your neutral observations of the facts.
Step 2: Offer two interpretations of those facts.
Step 3: Request clarification.
Note: As with any model— use this as handrails, not handcuffs. Lean on it as needed.
Let's go back to the Zoom example. Instead of following the flow of your defensiveness and angrily confronting your co-worker, you can let curiosity lead the conversation. First, get centered, and be aware of your non-verbals, particularly control your tone of voice, if talking by phone.
Using the perception-checking model, it would sound something like this:
Step 1: State the facts— stick to what’s observable
"Hey. In the call this week I noticed your camera was off and your update was brief."
Step 2: Offer two interpretations
"I’m wondering if something is going on that we should address or maybe you're just busy."
Step 3: Request feedback
What's up?**
Maybe your peer will confirm your suspicion, and they are indeed disappointed with the way you handled something. Maybe they will say their technology was wonky. Maybe their dog just went in for emergency surgery last night and their mind was elsewhere.
We just don't know until we check our perceptions.
Fun fact: I've been studying and teaching communication for over 25 years. Originally I planned on this being my 53rd blog post— the Big Bang, so to speak. Why? because it's the number one communication model I’d want to teach everyone who steps in my training classroom. I just couldn't wait!
*The quiz is canceled. 😆
**Yes, you could skip steps 1 and 2 and cut right to "What's up?" While I want you to be you, I suggest including your version of steps 1 and 2 to meet your conversational goal of reducing defensiveness and exploring perception. I have taught this widely-used model to thousands of people. I use it, myself, often. It's not a magic trick. But it can have magical results.