Head Tilt #58: Tell Better Stories

That's me!

The other day I went surfing for the first time in more than 25 years!

It was a stellar adventure, and I can hardly wait to go again and again. 

I didn't stand up (not yet!), but I did ride a wave, and I got tumbled a couple of times. 🌊🌊🌊

I 

loved 

every

minute

of 

it. 

I'm getting ahead of myself, though.

For the past 30 years, I've lived in Santa Cruz, California, aka "Surf City."

Whatever, Huntington Beach  🙄.

I have friends who surf, but I've steered clear of the ocean for almost three decades.  

Why did I stay away?  

Because I defined myself by these statements:

I am not ocean savvy.

I am a runner, not a surfer.

Surfing is my ex-husband's thing, not mine.

Those statements introduced powerful stories about who I am and what I do and don't do. 

And though each line had a modicum of truth, I wore them like permanent tattoos. I let them color every conversation about why I don't surf.

I was the poster child for "That's my story, and I am sticking to it!" 

Until I didn't stick to it. 

The other day on a very long solo road trip back from Southern California, I reflected on my self-imposed surfing descriptors. 

In crept curiosity. I had a lot of time on my hands, so I let it ride shotgun. 

What if I told a different story? What if those beliefs could still stand, and I could add a word or phrase that left room for new possibilities? 

I am not ocean savvy yet. 

I am a runner, and I surf. 

Surfing is Jim's thing, and I am trying it out. 

I called a friend from the road and said I wanted to try surfing. By the weekend, I had a fantastic wetsuit (known to me now as my Sea Spanx) and warm booties. I also borrowed the biggest, pinkest surfboard I've ever seen! 

Before I could have second thoughts, we were in the ocean!

When I wiped out, they cheered loudly and congratulated me on getting that over with. 😆

We had a blast.

With curiosity by at my side, I've started to challenge other tired descriptors I've believed.

"I am bad with directions."

"Math isn't my thing."

"I couldn't sell anything if  my life depended on it."

Wait, what?

I don't even want to listen to those stories, let alone tell them!

Those stories are all about limitations. 

I want to be limitless ⚡️☀️

I want to disprove those statements. 

I 

want

to

tell

better

stories. 

I want the same for my clients. 

Here are actual phrases I've heard from leaders in the corporate classroom throughout the years:

I don't praise people; that's not my style.

I am conflict-avoidant. It's just who I am.  

I am not going to change the way I talk to my team. I've done it this way for 20 years. 

 

Each of the above statements contributes to dysfunctional teams, decreased engagement, and leadership deficits. 

Together we rewrite better stories.

I don't praise people; that's not my style. But what if it was? How would my team and I benefit?

I am conflict-avoidant. It's who I've been for a long time. I'd like to learn how to get past this.  

I've been talking to my team this way for my whole career. Maybe I can try something new and see what happens.

Telling better stories begins with noticing those statements you are currently using to define who you are and what you do. 

Get comfy, take out a pen and paper, and make a list of sentences you use to describe yourself. 

Then, invite curiosity to sit beside you. Trust me, it wants what is best for you. 

Which statements serve you? Are they supporting the you you want to be? The leader you want to be? The friend you want to be? If not, how might you tweak them? 

TOP TIP: If they don't serve you, stop saying them!

Case in point: I am truly not that much better with directions— yet. But you'll never again hear me say, "I'm bad with directions." 

NEW BELIEFS = NEW STORIES.

Go tell better stories! 🏄‍♀️

 

Head Tilt #50: GROW great people

One of the most important parts of being a great leader is developing others. As one of my clients used to say, leaders need to grow great people. But how?

.

Imagine someone took a snapshot of a "perfect" developmental or problem-solving conversation. 

What would that picture look like? 

It would probably mirror the GROW coaching model. 

What it is: Developed in the 1980s by Sir John Whitmore, GROW coaching is a fundamental coaching model. It follows the logical progression of a development or problem-solving conversation. 

Who can use it: Managers, peers, parents, friends, partners, dogs

When to use it: When you want to understand another's view and help them create a powerful pathway to a goal. It's particularly helpful in one-on-ones.

Why we use it: To empower others, enable autonomy and build trusting relationships. (So much goodness!)

Key skills for using this model: Curiosity, listening, care, patience, humility (i. e., you might not always have the best solution)

Watch outs: Suspend the urge to immediately prescribe the path. Ask good questions but don't slip into the role of therapist. If this is a new way of communicating for you, try some transparency; tell your co-communicator that you're trying to practice curiosity instead of command. 

Suppose you are planning a trip. You'd probably want to know your destination, starting place, possible routes, and your plan, right? 

That ↑ is GROW coaching. 

G = GOAL This is the destination. Where does your co-communicator (let's call them the "coachee") want to go? Or, if that's predetermined, what is the goal you want them to achieve?

R= REALITY This is the starting place. Where are they right now in comparison to the goal? 

O = OPTIONS This is where you and your coachee generate options for bridging the gap. How will they get from where they are now to the destination? 

W = WILL (AKA: What's next, Way forward) Which of the options is best? 

Here are some GROW coaching questions to get you started:

Goal questions: What is your most important priority right now? Why? What would count as a win this week/month/quarter/season?

Reality questions: What's happening for you now? On a scale of 1-10, how close are you to the goal? What have you tried? What works? What doesn't?

Option questions: What ideas do you have to meet your goal? What has worked so far, and what if you continued that? What do you think your customer would suggest? What is the most feasible plan right now considering time, motivation and resources? 

Will/What's next questions: Which plan makes the most sense to you?  When will you start? On a scale of 1-10, how motivated are you? How can I help? 

There are sooooo many more questions you can ask. Presence with the conversation, coupled with positive intent, greatly outweighs following any script. Go with the flow. Sometimes you'll need to provide information or direction. That's okay! For the best results, pay attention to how much you are speaking and how much you are listening. Look for some sort of balance between the two roles. 

Message me at michellemakeswaves@gmail.com  for a list of my favorite GROW questions. 😉

Photo by Akil Mazumder from Pexels