Head Tilt #71: The art of tact

Me, admiring The Russian Bride's Attire by Makovsky

After visiting the Legion of Honor museum in San Francisco recently, my son airdropped this photo (above) to my iphone.

I had no idea he’d taken it.

 

At the time, I was captivated by that specific painting. Not only is it a beautiful work of art, but I also marveled at the many stories told within the brushstrokes.

 

Unbeknownst to me, Brendan captured that moment with a quick click of his camera. When I saw the image, I was touched that he did. 🥰

 

On our drive home I asked with a smile, “What prompted you to take that picture of me?”

 

He replied plainly, “I wanted a picture of the painting, and you were in the way.”

 

😳

Ah, out of the mouths of babes…

 

(I laughed so hard!)

 

Bren scored an A+ for honesty.

 

But I’m going to work with him on his tact. 😆

 

Tact marries honesty with kindness. There was little need for too much tact in the illustration above, but difficult conversations such as giving feedback or addressing conflict all benefit from a hefty dose of it. 

Tact is a pillar of effective communication.

 

Here are a few tips to help master the art of tact in difficult conversations.

 

1. Pause. The kindful communication I preach starts with a pause. Take a breath and give yourself some space between stimulus and response. If someone asks a question (stimulus), pause before answering (response). That mindful moment illuminates your communication options. Choose the kindest one for the situation. No artificial sweetener necessary—choose the response that maintains the truth and doesn’t cause pain or embarrassment to the person involved.

 

2. If starting a difficult conversation, declare your intent. I talk more about it here, but essentially, get crystal clear on the outcome you seek, and announce it. For example,

 

“I’d like to talk about your Q4 performance and strategize ways to improve.”

 

“I want to discuss how we handled the most recent conflict. I know we can do better and I want to try.”

 

3. Claim your subjectivity and be specific. Instead of saying, “Some of your ideas are better than others” say “For me, some of your ideas resonate more than others.” Instead of, “Your presentation bombed,” say, “From my perspective, the presentation lacked a call to action.”*

*Bonus points for throwing the conversational ball back and asking, “What do you think?”

 

4. Eliminate any sense of anger, accusation, and sarcasm from your tone, word choice, and nonverbals. This is easier said/read than done. Be a careful observer of your messaging—how it looks, sounds, and how it might be interpreted.

 

5. And finally, though maybe most importantly, empathize. What's going on for the recipient of your message? How might they feel? It doesn’t really matter how you would feel if you were them—empathy is about them, not you. Remember the Platinum Rule: Treat others as they want to be treated.

Tact: It's a timeless form of communicative art. 🎨 🖌

Keeping it real when things fall apart

I returned last night from a week-long stay in Chicago. 

Oh my--what a fabulous, fantastic city! I had no idea!

I went there to get away. To clear my mind. To see things from a different perspective. To have some fun. 

And I did. 

For the most part. 

Except when I didn't.

I should have learned from Uncle Remus when he said,

"You can't run away from trouble. There ain't no place that far."

(There's no need to say more about that except that things have been more challenging in the past couple of months than when I was traversing leukemia-territory years ago.) 

No mud, no lotus, right? Right.

I had the rare and appreciated opportunity to return from my trip to both an empty house and an open schedule-- just for the next two days. 

I could exhale. Time to turn the kindful lens on myself: what is the most mindful, kind thing I can do for myself right now? 

I know that the first step to meeting the external challenges in my life is to get more intentional about what's happening for me internally, i.e., my thoughts, attitude, and moods. As much as I am able, I need to change my state of being.

I don't want to stay in the mud indefinitely. 

So instead of ruminating, resisting, or retreating, I intentionally did several things today to set my feet (and mind) on a more positive path. 

Here are photos of my kindful Wednesday:

In the morning silence, I chose to savor my favorite tea in my favorite cup. 😊

I took my beastie besties for a leisurely scent walk. No rush, no distractions, no phone except for photos. I let them sniff to their hearts' content. They were so happy! 🐕 🐶

After a whole week off, I could hardly wait to run at my favorite spot. I was surprised to feel how much my body really appreciated the break! I was also surprised that I clocked my fastest mile time in years! 🙌 My new playlist fueled me with adrenaline from Ohio Players, Supertramp, AC⚡️DC, and Alice In Chains.

I hit some stuff. (Doesn't everyone box with the Buddha?) 

Weird as it might sound, I did a sage energy cleanse on every room in my home. It was amazing. And if you read this article from Vogue on the whats, whys, and hows, I can assure you that I repeated the suggested mantra many times— swear words included, of course. 😉

Though I don't have a pic of it, I also tried to get outside myself and lift others up. I called the boujie hotel I had the good fortune to stay at in Chicago to tell the general manager how phenomenal Daniel, Adam, Brandy and Alissa made my stay. Every interaction with these kind people made my heart happy. ❤️

Everything I did might sound normal or even fun, but when things are tough, normal and/or fun things take a lot more effort. More important to me was that each event was purposefully chosen and filled with the intention of wellness. My goal was to move the dial in my mind just a little closer to "I got this. I'm going to be okay."

In conclusion, 

• This isn't a head tilt.
• It's not a communication lesson. 
• It's not an attention trap. (Please, no!)
• It's definitely not a boastful, fluffy "Look what I did! You can do it too!" post. 🤮

I am writing to say that my circumstances have been rough lately. 

And still, in the thick of it, I need to walk the walk. Even if I am taking baby steps.

I need to be kindful to myself. Who knew?

Maybe this is simply a love letter to myself. 

I have to remind myself that I have choices as to how I deal with challenges: I need to do my best to help myself show up at my best. 

I need to plod on in the right direction.

And today I actually did, 

step by step.

with intention and purposeful action. ❤️

If I keep on this path I might have the chance of being an amazing lotus flower someday. 

Head Tilt #53: My birthday wish... let’s make it happen!

Several months back I was updating my LinkedIn professional profile. I had always listed myself as teacher, a trainer, a consultant, or a coach --- and all are accurate. I've studied, developed, and honed my craft for over 20 years. 

Whatever. 🙄

I finally know that I am so much more than what I do. 

So I changed my profile. Instead of announcing what I do, I introduced others to who I am: 

I am a kindful communicator.

Yes, I made it up; it's a portmanteau, i. e., a word that combines the sound and meanings of other words to create something new. Brunch (breakfast + lunch) and dramedy (drama + comedy) are examples of portmanteaus.

Kind + mindful = kindful

For me, kindful communication captures what I've been spending my adult life teaching both myself and others. It pairs kind, the quality of being considerate with mindfulness, the ability to be aware.

Being mindful in the moment is the base of competent communication.  We don't go into auto-pilot or recite stale scripts. We remain aware, so we can then see the array of responses available in front of us.

And in the spirit of being good human beings, when we scan the communication choices that mindfulness reveals, we choose the kindest option for that specific situation.  

kind  + mindful = kindful

It all goes back to one of my favorite quotes (explored in my very first Head Tilt!):

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space lies your freedom and power to choose your response. In those responses lie your growth and your happiness."

And yes, much like Mean Girl's Gretchen Weiners' "fetch," I'd really like to make kindful happen! 

So with my 53rd post on my 53rd trip around the sun, here is my birthday wish: 

Let's make kindful happen, together! 

What do you think? Who's in?

And to slightly modify the fantastic words of Dalai Lama, 

Be kindful whenever possible. 

It is always possible. 

Insider tip: Kindful isn't synonymous with "fake" or "Pollyanna." When aggravated, for example, sometimes the kindest option available is biting your tongue. If that is the most considerate choice you can see in the moment, that's still kindful. 

😉

Photo Credit: Image by StockSnap from Pixabay

Head Tilt #51: Can your message pass these three questions?

This might be the simplest and shortest of my posts yet. That doesn't decrease its importance, however.

Have you ever been dying to say something to someone but you weren't quite sure if you should? Or have you ever said something only to wish you could retract it? 

Of course you have. We all have! 

Sufi poet and scholar, Rumi,  suggested all words pass through three gates before they leave our mouths. 

Particularly when giving feedback, get present and speak only if the answer is an emphatic YES to these questions: 

Is it true? To the best of your knowledge, do you have the facts? Or are you making assumptions based on your perceptions?

Is it necessary?  Will the other benefit from your words? What might be the impact if you spoke up? What about the impact of staying quiet? 

Is it kind? Check your intentions. Be a good human.

Let's be impeccable with our words. 

Let's be kindful. ❤️

Image by Gordon Johnson from Pixabay

Head Tilt #36: It's practically personal!

 Did you know:

• that giraffes can't swim? 
• that elephants can't jump?
• that Scotland's national animal is the unicorn?
• that in any conversation we have two needs: personal and practical? 

All of these facts surprised me, but only the last one was a game-changer. It gave me a wonderful lens for human interactions.

In any conversation, we have a practical need and a personal need.*

The practical need is the objective of the interaction. 

The personal need is the human connection piece that accompanies that practical need. 

Say a neighbor comes to your door to borrow some sugar (hey, it's still a thing. Ask my neighbors--I run out of baking supplies all the time). 

They come to you with two needs:

• Your neighbor's practical need is easy to identify: they need sugar.
• Their personal need might be a desire to be treated well. Along with that practical objective of getting some sugar, they might also have the personal need of connection, kindness, or something along those lines. 

Often though, when we are 

too busy, 

too tired, 

too moody, 

too hungry, 

or just not mindful, 

we cut right to fulfilling another's practical need and we skip the personal need completely. 

Imagine throwing a bag of sugar in your neighbor's hands and slamming the door. Their practical need would be met. But what about their personal needs?

Great communication requires awareness of both needs.

The most common personal needs are to be heard, to be understood, and to be respected. 

Here's another example: you approach your partner to tell them about your stressful day. Your practical need is to inform them about your experience, or maybe you just want to vent. Your personal need is for them to listen attentively with care and compassion. These needs are two sides of the kindful** communicator's coin.

In the workplace, too, particularly when dealing with customers, it's easy to jump straight to the practical need, i.e., the service you provide. Depending on your business, customers might come to you for practical needs such as assistance (help desk), teeth cleaning (dental office) or caffeine (coffee shop). But they have those unspoken personal needs too; they'd like to be heard, understood, and shown a modicum of respect.

Don't fulfill the practical need without addressing the baseline of personal needs, too. 

You'll be amazed at the difference! 

*A special thanks goes out to Development Dimensions International (DDI) for teaching me about the personal and practical needs when I became a certified trainer of their material. 

**Kindful = mindful + kind

Awesome giraffe pool float image by jacqueline macou from Pixabay