Head Tilt #12: Say a lot with fewer words

Imagine you have a word bank that only allows a few words to be withdrawn each day. Could you still cultivate positive relationships with your team and reach business goals without running out of words?

Here are some of the shortest sentences with the biggest payoffs toward connection and engagement with others.

One word: Yes.

This one little word is a powerhouse! Richard Branson uses this word so much at work that he earned the nickname "Dr. Yes." Shonda Rimes proved this wee-word's force in her book, The Year of Yes. Yes opens doors, spurs creativity, and affirms others. YES!

(If you have extra words, yes pairs nicely with the word and ...)

Two words: Thank you.

Sincere gratitude actually releases dopamine and serotonin- the feel-good neurotransmitters in our brains- thus, elevating the moods of both the giver and the receiver of the recognition. Bada bing, bada boom!

(If you have extra words, extend this little phrase with specific details about what was appreciated.)

Three words: Tell me more. 

This little sentence is packed with interest, humility, and presence. Trade certainty for curiosity and give others the gift of being truly heard by you. 

(If you have extra words, pair tell me more with tell me more again and again until you can clearly understand and empathize with someone.)

Four words: What do you think?

When someone comes to you with a question, empower them by asking, "What do you think?" before rushing to give the answer. Nurture an environment of thought and innovation.

(If you have extra words, what do you think pairs beautifully with tell me more.)

Yes, I hope you liked this post. 

Thank you for reading it! 

Tell me more about your own favorite powerful words or phrases. 

What do you think I should write about next?

mw

Head Tilt #11: Forget the gold, I'll take the platinum, please!

The Golden Rule— We've heard it since we were kids. 

"Treat others the way you want to be treated." 

Ugh.

When you really think about it, that is so self-centered and presumptive!

Hear me out: Is it okay for me to operate through life thinking that everyone wants to be treated just like I do? 

Let's test-drive this with some of the ways I like to be treated at work. If the Golden Rule is in place then it's safe for me to assume that:

• Because I like praise for things I do well, then everyone else probably does, too.  Therefore I should give lots of praise to everyone. (Wrong! Some people don't need it or want it!)
•  Because I like to work autonomously, then everyone else must like to work without much  supervision, too. Therefore, I should manage others that way. (Wrong! We all have different working styles!)
• (Pre-Covid) Since I liked being greeted by close co-workers with a friendly hug, then everyone else must like this, too, so let's all lean in!  (Um, let's not!)

Several years ago I learned of the Platinum Rule and I haven't stopped telling others about it since. 

Coined by communication guru, Milton Bennett, the platinum rule posits that the way to enhance empathy and connection is to treat others the way they want to be treated. Instead of viewing the world through the lens of me-me-me, we adapt our communication to other's needs and preferences.

I have an outgoing, outspoken, fun friend, let's call her Mel, who illustrated this well when she told me a story about positive feedback she gave one of her co-workers. The team succeeded on a tough project and Mel was stoked! As she approached the parking lot at the end of the day, she saw her teammate across the way and yelled, "Hey Ninja! You ROCKED it today! I'm grateful for you!" 

(This was exactly how Mel liked to be recognized, by the way.)

Her co-worker, however, was quite introverted. Mel's high-energy praise embarrassed him. To hear Mel tell it, she says he might as well have melted into the blacktop. Mel's intent was positive-- she wanted to acknowledge his hard work. Her impact fell flat though, since he didn't feel great about her kind (and loud) words. Who knows if he even really heard them through his embarrassment?

Quick learner that she is, Mel quickly scrapped the Golden Rule and upgraded to Platinum. 

The goal of any communication should be to get a message to another as effectively as possible. That doesn't mean as easily as possible, or as quickly as possible. Effectiveness, in this arena, calls for a mindful adaptation to other's needs. 

But how? 

There are two ways to figure out how someone likes to be treated. 

First, ask. Make space for conversations about people's preferences. Sticking with the example of recognition, in a staff meeting ask employees how they like to be recognized for good work. Remember: Your goal is for the communication, in this case recognition,  to have a positive impact. Amazon gift cards might be easy, but they might not stand out as special, either. Maybe a note to the boss would be better. 

The other way to find out how others like to be treated is to pay attention. You might need fewer check-ins on a project, but you notice that your direct report asks lots of questions and requires a bit more guidance. Adapt to their needs. Don't assume they' are just like you.

When it comes to market values, gold and platinum prices fluctuate. When it comes to communication, however, platinum rules.

Treat others the way they want to be treated.

Photo by Dima Valkov from Pexels

Head Tilt #10: It ain't what you do, it's the way that you do it

"Trust is like the air we breathe. When it's present, no one really notices.  

When it's absent, everyone notices."   

Warren Buffett 

Last week I was the tour guide (my preferred title- hah!) for a virtual leadership training on trust. 

I've been certified to teach Stephen M.R. Covey's Speed of Trust, so I had a lot to say. 

But as everyone is experiencing Zoom Fatigue, I wanted to keep it sharp, short, and audience-centered. 

(Who needs to listen to me blah-blah-blah for three hours? NO ONE! EVER!)

First, we built a case for trust in today's workplace. 

A few years ago, research posted in the Harvard Business Review concluded that virtual teammates are 2.5 times more likely to perceive MISTRUST, INCOMPETENCE, and BROKEN COMMITMENTS with remote teammates (vs. in-office).* 

Worse yet: It takes them 5 to 10 times longer to address their concerns!

Can you imagine how these numbers have escalated since the pandemic?

Building trust in the workplace is more important now than ever.

Next, we talked about being both trusting and trustworthy, two sides of the same leader's coin.

And then we applied Covey's framework.

Specifically, trust is a combination of two things:

WHAT YOU DO

    People want to know their leaders are competent (You are capable and you get results) and

WHO YOU ARE

    People want to know their leaders have a strong character (You have integrity and positive intent).

One without the other just doesn't fit the bill. To be our best, we need both. 

Imagine a leader who knows everything there is to know about blockchain, for example, but is self-serving and exclusive. 

Or how about a leader who is kind and humble but doesn't have a shred of professional expertise?

Neither has the sum of what it takes to be an excellent leader, let alone a teammate. 

There is a lot more to say (read Covey's The Speed of Trust!) but for now, here are some reflection questions:

How's your competence?  Do you know your job/craft well? Are you a trusted expert? Do you follow procedures and policies? Do you strive to get better?

How's your character?  Do you declare your (positive) intention in conversation? Do you do what you say you will do? Do you exhibit your company's (and your own) values? 

Building, maintaining, and restoring trust is a process that merits our full attention.

Let's commit to showing up with the utmost competence and stellar character!

mw

Oh, and if that song in this post's title is going through your mind now, you're welcome! Enjoy the 1982 cover video from Fun Boy Three and Bananarama. :)

Photo by Alexandr Podvalny from Pexels

*Joseph Grenny. How to Raise Sensitive Issues During a Remote Meeting. https://hbr.org/2017/03/how-to-raise-sensitive-issues-during-a-virtual-meeting

Head Tilt #9: Ummmmm..... are you sure, Mary?

Let's just call her Mary. She's the one who humiliated me greatly and taught me even more, all with one comment. 

It was 2004, and my book, Dancing with the Diagnosis, had just been published by a small press. I was so excited! After all the work, revisions, and publishing house queries, I was a published author!

I spoke at book shops (remember those?) and did a handful of radio interviews. I even got to speak on an internationally broadcasted television show to a live audience of 3,000.

It was a dream come true! My story about cancer was positively impacting others!

Wait, back up. 

Just before the actual book hit the store shelves, a friend of a friend hooked me up with a Toastmasters group (an organization I truly respect!), that was doing a summer speaking series. They were interested in having new authors talk about the publishing process. They invited me to speak to a small group of about 30 people, all of whom were committed to the craft of speaking in public. As a public speaking instructor and soon-to-be published author, I was thrilled! 

Before the presentation, my contact, "Mary", asked if I wanted feedback from the group.

That made sense: this was an organization where people practiced public speaking before each other in order to improve. However, because I was a guest speaker, I told Mary that I welcomed written feedback, but I'd feel odd to be critiqued verbally in front of the group. 

She agreed. I proceeded. 

My speech went so well! I did everything I coached my students and clients to do: Strong introduction, liberal use of transitions, extemporaneous delivery, etc. I spoke for 18 minutes and then took questions from the audience. I was happy! 

At the end of every Toastmasters meeting, people with certain assigned roles give the speakers feedback on their presentations. There is even an appointed "um counter" who tallies the vocalized pauses in each presentation. 

As the meeting closed, Mary, who happened to be the evening's um counter, stood up with her tally. 

"Mina had zero ums!" 

"Jeff had 5 ums!" 

"And, Michelle Waters, the public speaking instructor, had 23 ums!"

(Cue the sound of a record scratch!)

The audience looked around awkwardly. 

Some people gave sympathetic smiles. 

Some shrugged their shoulders. 

I was embarrassed.

I know I didn't say um during my speech. Not once. What the heck was Mary doing? I sat there, feeling very small.

When the meeting concluded, I approached Mary. I had figured it out. 

      

Me: I didn't say um once during my speech, did I? 

Mary: Nope! Not once during your speech. 

Me: It was all in my Q&A, wasn't it?

Mary: Yep! When you didn't know what was coming, you resorted to um. 

Oh, what a great lesson I learned!

We practice for the "big event" but so often forget that we are on before and after that event as well. 

Though I didn't appreciate being called out in front of everyone, I can say with confidence that I rarely say um during a question and answer period ever since. 

Thanks, Mary. 

Image by Roland Steinmann from Pixabay