Head Tilt #71: The art of tact


Me, admiring The Russian Bride's Attire by Makovsky

After visiting the Legion of Honor museum in San Francisco recently, my son airdropped this photo (above) to my iphone.

I had no idea he’d taken it.

 

At the time, I was captivated by that specific painting. Not only is it a beautiful work of art, but I also marveled at the many stories told within the brushstrokes.

 

Unbeknownst to me, Brendan captured that moment with a quick click of his camera. When I saw the image, I was touched that he did. 🥰

 

On our drive home I asked with a smile, “What prompted you to take that picture of me?”

 

He replied plainly, “I wanted a picture of the painting, and you were in the way.”

 

😳


Ah, out of the mouths of babes…

 

(I laughed so hard!)

 

Bren scored an A+ for honesty.

 

But I’m going to work with him on his tact. 😆

 

Tact marries honesty with kindness. There was little need for too much tact in the illustration above, but difficult conversations such as giving feedback or addressing conflict all benefit from a hefty dose of it. 


Tact is a pillar of effective communication.

 

Here are a few tips to help master the art of tact in difficult conversations.

 

1. Pause. The kindful communication I preach starts with a pause. Take a breath and give yourself some space between stimulus and response. If someone asks a question (stimulus), pause before answering (response). That mindful moment illuminates your communication options. Choose the kindest one for the situation. No artificial sweetener necessary—choose the response that maintains the truth and doesn’t cause pain or embarrassment to the person involved.

 

2. If starting a difficult conversation, declare your intent. I talk more about it here, but essentially, get crystal clear on the outcome you seek, and announce it. For example,

 

“I’d like to talk about your Q4 performance and strategize ways to improve.”

 

“I want to discuss how we handled the most recent conflict. I know we can do better and I want to try.”

 

3. Claim your subjectivity and be specific. Instead of saying, “Some of your ideas are better than others” say “For me, some of your ideas resonate more than others.” Instead of, “Your presentation bombed,” say, “From my perspective, the presentation lacked a call to action.”*

*Bonus points for throwing the conversational ball back and asking, “What do you think?”

 

4. Eliminate any sense of anger, accusation, and sarcasm from your tone, word choice, and nonverbals. This is easier said/read than done. Be a careful observer of your messaging—how it looks, sounds, and how it might be interpreted.

 

5. And finally, though maybe most importantly, empathize. What's going on for the recipient of your message? How might they feel? It doesn’t really matter how you would feel if you were them—empathy is about them, not you. Remember the Platinum Rule: Treat others as they want to be treated.


Tact: It's a timeless form of communicative art. 🎨 🖌

Head Tilt #70: Oh F**K!

Oh F**K!


That's what crossed my mind and passed through my lips when Facebook reminded me of the swearing contract my son created for me three years ago. 




I'd forgotten all about it.

Let's just say I owe Brendan a lot of money. ðŸ’°

My son is 17 now, and when I showed him the damn(ing) photograph, we laughed and then had a great discussion about swearing. 


First, for context, I rarely, if ever, swear at others. That's not okay, and it's against everything kindful communication stands for. I do swear with others and about things


I think swearing became a part of my DNA after tending bar throughout my undergrad and graduate schooling. Like I've tried to explain to my son, you can take the bartender out of the bar, but you can't take the bar out of the bartender… 


Love it or hate it, swearing does have its benefits.


As a public speaking instructor, I've long known that a speaker can harness the power of a perfectly placed swear word. Emotionally charged words can get an audience's attention and reinforce a speaker's passionate appeals. Depending on the audience and the word choice, colorful language might make the presenter appear more authentic and less scripted. No, I don't coach people to drop F-bombs throughout their speeches, but if used for emphasis, swearing can move people to action. (3)


Further research revealed a few more fun facts about my forbidden word choices:


  • The average American swears five times per hour. This statistic is a little hard for me to swallow, and I couldn't find the original study, so I'll just translate it as "Americans swear a lot." No doubt, the pandemic factors into that finding. Words caught by profanity-filtering software that scrubs online discussions have tripled since the beginning of the pandemic. (1, 3)

  • In studies of the effect of language on pain, research psychologist Richard Stephens found that those who repeated a cuss-word of their choice while holding their hands in ice water could endure this discomfort 50% longer than their non-swearing peers. Much like a wolf's primal howl, swearing gives us an essential outlet. (Oh, and swearing supposedly reduces pain more strongly in women than men. Go figure. 🤷‍♀️) (4)

  • Here's one I particularly like: Swearing can improve workouts because it reduces stress and anxiety. It turns out that shouting a taboo word is somewhat cathartic. I'm going to try this and get back to you. (1)

  • My son likes to say that swearing is a sign of a poor vocabulary. (How dare he!) Not even close. "Fluency is fluency," says swearing scholar Dr. Timothy Jay. Several language studies confirm that cussing does not correlate with a limited vocabulary. (HA!) On the contrary, the more words you know, the more words you know, both profane or mundane. In my defense, only a cuss word will accurately communicate how I am feeling in some situations. (5)


Finally,  


  • Swearing with, not at, your friends and co-workers can help alleviate stress and build a stronger bond. It demonstrates intimacy. Linguist Michael Adams says, "It's something you're not supposed to be doing, but you trust them." (2)

I am not encouraging you to swear. 


You be you.


But if you do swear every now and then, do it with intention! 


Now you'll be better equipped to defend your m*th*rf*ck*ng word choices. 




Post script: Justified or not, I am acutely aware that I broke a commitment to my kid. 😔  I’m working to make sure that doesn’t happen again. 


  1. Anderson, David. “The Average American Utters 80 to 90 Curse Words Every Day. Here's Why It's Good for You.” Business Insider, Business Insider, 16 May 2021, https://www.businessinsider.com/swearing-good-for-workouts-work-life-health-2018-12

  1. Chaker, Anne Marie. “We're Cursing More. Blame the #%$ Pandemic.” The Wall Street Journal, Dow Jones & Company, 20 Dec. 2021, https://www.wsj.com/articles/were-cursing-more-blame-the-pandemic-11640008801. 

  1. Leland, Karen Tiber. “New Research Shows That Cursing Can Help You Be a Better Public Speaker.” Inc.com, Inc., 8 June 2017, https://www.inc.com/karen-tiber-leland/new-research-shows-that-cursing-can-help-you-be-a-better-public-speaker.html

  1. Warden, Ian. “Swearing More than Usual? Studies Show Covid Stress Is Making People Swear More.” The Canberra Times, 31 Dec. 2021, https://www.canberratimes.com.au/story/7565035/masking-modern-anxieties-with-the-classics/. 

  2. Wong, Kristin. “The Case for Cursing.” The New York Times, The New York Times, 27 July 2017, https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/27/smarter-living/the-case-for-cursing.html.

PSA: Your weight is the least interesting thing about you.









I weigh myself most weekday mornings. I’m not trying to gain or lose, it’s just something I do. 

Today I stepped on the scale and didn’t like the number I saw. 😧


Intellectually I knew last night’s soy-sauce soaked sushi was likely the reason for the increase, but I still felt a fleeting moment of panic.


Until I quickly reminded myself what my sister told me long ago: my weight is the least interesting thing about me. 


That number on the scale is information and nothing else. 


I don’t weave my weight into conversations. “Hi my name is Michelle and I weigh xxx!” 


It’s not on my resume, nor on my LinkedIn profile. (Can you imagine? 😆)


It doesn't reflect my worth, intelligence, or personality.


And dammit…that number certainly doesn’t determine my mood. 


Here are the numbers I focused on instead today:

  • The number of miles I ran this morning in prep for an upcoming race (7)
  • The number of smiles I collected on my run (12)
  • The percentage of effort I put into two projects (100%-- ok, maybe 94%)
  • The amount of quality time I got with my son on his day off. We watched a show together, played a game, and just hung out. 🥰


Those were good numbers!


As for the number on the scale, whatever it is, I can guarantee that it's the least interesting thing about me and the last thing I want dictating my day.


So what is the most interesting thing about me? I guess that's subjective! But at least we know what it is not!


I know this post doesn’t fit with my traditional head-tilt content. I’m okay with that. Maybe it’s just a public reminder to myself, but I’m feeling it might land for someone else, too. ☀️


Let’s focus on numbers and things that really matter. ❤️




Head Tilt #69: Start with your socks

Similar to when I was ten years old, I received a pair of toe socks for Christmas.

 

Toe socks!


I love them. 🥰

 

As a runner, I am often concerned with:

  • my shoes (Mizuno)

  • my running gear (Lulu, GapFit Breathe, Yogalicious)

  • my hydration (Nuun)

  • my route (ocean cliffs) and 

  • my playlists (to match my mood and goals)

 

What I’ve learned through blisters and black toenails is that my socks are one of the most essential ingredients of a good run.

 

And it’s not just the socks themselves, it’s how I put them on.

 

If I hurriedly shove my feet in my socks and lace-up without a thought, I’m bound to feel discomfort around mile two or three. If I’m stubborn (often) and don’t stop to fix the misplaced seam, bunching or sliding, I pay for it later with pain.

 

My new toe socks, specifically made for runners, stay in place, are impossible to put on in a hurry, and keep my toes from hanging out together in the Blister Bar.

 

I love them so much and have already ordered four more pairs!

 

Beloved American basketball coach and Hall-of-Famer, John Wooden, knew all about the importance of socks. 


In a Newsweek interview years ago he said,

 

“I think it's the little things that really count. The first thing I would show our players at our first meeting was how to take a little extra time putting on their shoes and socks properly. The most important part of your equipment is your shoes and socks. You play on a hard floor. So you must have shoes that fit right. And you must not permit your socks to have wrinkles around the little toe--where you generally get blisters--or around the heels. It took just a few minutes, but I did show my players how I wanted them to do it.”

 

Can you imagine the players on that first day? They were undoubtedly amped to learn from the best! And Wooden told them how to put on their socks...

As with running and basketball, it is the attention to the little things in our lives that makes the big things possible.
 
So my question for you is,

What are the socks of your relationship/family, your work success, and your self-care?
 
What are the seemingly small but extremely important things that success requires?
 
🧦 The “socks” of my relationships/family are love and open communication.
🧦 The “socks” of my work success are autonomy and trust.
🧦 The “socks” of my self-care are sleep and running.

 

When these fundamentals are in place, success is that much closer.

 

What are your socks?

 

Is it time to order some more?





Head Tilt #68: Permission to Play

Wings that light up and change colors? Heck ya! 


It was love at first sight.

 

On Monday I spied the color-changing wings on a guest at Disneyland.


I immediately coveted them.

 

The rational me said: What would I do with them? They aren’t practical for a professional adult. (I am pretty sure they are intended for children.) As with most Disney memorabilia—they’d be fun in the park, but then what?

 

Luckily, the playful me countered: WHO CARES?!

 

Playfulness partners with presence. It lives best in the now.

 

When I temporarily parted ways with my family to save spots for the parade, I happily (sneakily) purchased a pair of the wonderful wings, turned them on, attached them to my back, and waited an hour on Main Street by myself (and with the hundreds of others waiting for the parade).

 

When my family joined me, they smiled and laughed. They weren’t surprised at all.


When I am at my best, I am playful.

 

Dr. Brene Brown teaches that we need to take time to play in order to live better and work better. “Cultivating Playfulness” is one of her tenets of whole-hearted living.

 

The research of Dr. Stuart Brown, founder of the National Institute for Play (how can I work there?) concludes that play promotes mastery, helps us deal with difficulty, and is essential to the creative process, and job satisfaction.

 

I bring purposeful play into the training room. I have prompted executives to create giant bubbles on breaks, I set colorful fidget-widgets out on all tables (pre-Covid), and I find creative ways to insert play into long training days, no matter if the topic is customer service or conflict management.

 

And with great intention-- before I get dressed for a training day-- I choose something from my collection of playful jewelry, pins, and tokens as a reminder not to take myself so seriously.

 

Upon reflection, I guess I take playfulness seriously.

 

If you are hesitant to play, the research is clear: It’s a must for adults. We all have permission to play!

 

My questions for you are:

 

How do you cultivate playfulness in your personal life?

 

How about your professional life?

 

After all we've been through, let’s all commit to bringing more play to our lives this year. 🎉 🎉


For more on Play, check out this Disney post

Head Tilt #67: Tell stories like Pixar

Yes, I am re-purposing this springtime pic from Pixar Pier :)


Most everyone knows that folks at Pixar are the best storytellers around. 

(And if you've read my blog, you know I am a big Disney/Pixar fan!)

But did you know that you can tell stories about your talents, business, or product in the same way that they do? And that you can do it in under a minute? 

Revealed by former Pixar story editor Emma Coates, each Pixar movie follows a six-step storytelling sequence. It's called the Pixar Pitch. It is memorable, concise, and has momentum that keeps everyone engaged. 

Here is their storytelling formula: 

1. Once upon a time...
2. Every day...
3. One day...
4. Because of that...
5. And because of that...
6. Until finally...

You can plug the storylines from Toy Story, Cars, or any of the Pixar greats into this template and see for yourself. 

Because I am always trying to bring a little Disney/Pixar magic into my work, here's how I use the Pixar Pitch to tell a story about what I do.

Once upon a time, there was a company where people were promoted to leadership positions, but they didn't receive any formal leadership training to support them with their new responsibilities. 

Every day, people who were very talented in their area of expertise now juggled the challenges of motivating and coaching others toward success. Some were effective leaders, but they weren't sure exactly how they did it. Many were not effective leaders; employee engagement was down, and employee turnover was up.

One day, longing to improve, the company hired me to deliver a well-researched and respected leadership program that was tailored precisely to their needs. 

Because of that, people learned the ins and outs of leading others. Through dynamic instruction, group activities, and application, they were taught how to build trust, coach others, manage conflict, and give impactful recognition and feedback. They created realistic plans for driving engagement, delegating with purpose, setting performance expectations, and tracking measurable goals. 🎯 (They even had fun along the way!)

And because of that, the company's teams were more cohesive and productive. Business results skyrocketed! 🚀

Finally, all the leaders in the company, and any who were promoted into leadership roles from that point on, shared both a common language for discussing leadership and practical tools for getting great results.



Okay, I admittedly don't start my conversations off with "once upon a time," but with a few tweaks and personalization, this sequence helps tell a memorable story.

I encourage you to have fun with it and see if you can bring a little Pixar magic to the stories you tell about your skills, product, or company. 🪄








 
 





Head Tilt #66: "I murdered my grandmother this morning."

Alexa, are you listening?

 


“I murdered my grandmother this morning.”

 

That’s what Franklin D. Roosevelt reportedly murmured to each guest he met in a long receiving line when he was president.

 

He wanted to test whether or not people actually listened to him.

 

Most people smiled. Some said, “thank you” and others said, “How kind.”

 

Only one retorted, “I’m sure she had it coming to her.”

 

(Originally reported in 1954, even Snopes can’t prove or disprove this story.)

 

How do you know if someone is listening to you?

 

I have a Spidey-sense for it. I tune into the timing of comments, the sound of clicking of keyboards through the phone, and the disjointed auto-responses.

 

I’m known to stop talking and ask, “Is there a better time to talk? I sense that you’re distracted.” 

 

I also think I’m pretty good at covering it up when I’m the one who is not listening. Watch me slyly Google the weather in Scotland while a friend details her frustration with the barista who gave her almond milk when she ordered oat milk.

 

No matter how good I am at deceiving the speaker, it’s not cool.

 

Research of more than 3,600 professionals at all levels from 30 countries concluded that those who tout their excellent listening skills are the same ones who also confess to multitasking and “tuning out” during conference calls.

 

Another study of students in grades one through 12 (think ages 6 through 18) determined that listening declines with age.

 

What?! I am way past age 18, so it’s safe to say I’m in trouble. We all are. 

 

As defined by the International Listening Association, listening is “the process of receiving, constructing meaning from and responding to spoken and/or nonverbal messages.” 


It’s complex. 

It takes time. 

It takes effort.

 

And it’s one of the most valuable skills we can hone.

 

If we don’t spend more time improving our skills, soon Amazon’s Alexa might be the only one who is listening.

 

 

This post is part of a series that is inspired by (and partially lifted from) my business communication textbook, It’s All of Our Business, co-authored by Dan Rothwell and published by Oxford University Press, 2022.


Photo by Anete Lusina from Pexels