Head Tilt #48: Ch-ch-ch-changes

We often get more change than we'd like.


Continually

Having

A

New

Growth

Experience

That's C.H.A.N.G.E. 

At least that's how one of my fellow acronym-loving friends sees it. She's such an optimist and I love that. 

Full disclosure: I don't love change. 

Nonetheless, I've studied it extensively and, much like the gym teacher who eats donuts on the sidelines while telling students to run laps, I teach others about it often. 

Here's some of what I know about change:

1. We are hard-wired to resist change. Thank you, reptilian brain, for always looking out for danger. We appreciate you. ๐Ÿฆ–  ๐Ÿ™

2. We only resist change we didn't choose, don't want, or can't understand. Think about it: You get the promotion you always wanted- BIG CHANGE! Do you resist it? Heck no. All in!

3. We can navigate any change a bit better when we stop and take a good look at it. We fear the unknown. Invite change in, pour some tea, and get to know it. ๐Ÿซ–

Last week I helped leaders from my favorite municipality (you know who you are!) navigate their own resistance to change, as well as empathize with their team members' push-back. Here are the questions I asked them to consider. 

  • RATE: How fast is the change? Do you (or your team) have time to ramp-up gradually, or is immediate compliance expected? 
  • DESIRABILITY: Do you and/or your team desire the change? Can you see the positive impact? If so, can you champion that to others who might not see it?
  • DEGREE: Is this a big change or a minor one? This matters! Bigger changes (like a new software system) are often more stressful than little ones (like a notice that proclaims food left longer than three days in the company fridge will be thrown out).
  • CONTROL: How much control (or input) do you have regarding this change? Were you consulted? Regardless, do you have any autonomy for implementation? 
  • JUGGLE: Is this a singular change, one of many, or does it affect a series of changes?
To be clear, a few of the leaders in my class were dealing with huge changes. They represented the Fire, Police and Water departments in my  oops, I mean, their community. ๐Ÿ˜‰  

The changes they've dealt with over the past year are monumental!These are frontline workers who were required to show up. Fires tore through the mountains-- over 86,000 acres were scorched. Justified protests popped up all over the community. Oh, and water —our lifeblood—is ALWAYS an issue in California. 

The first step to handling change is having a framework for understanding change. Stay tuned for how to help your team manage change. 

Photo by Stephanie Bayer https://pixabay.com/users/stephenbayer-17941/

Head Tilt #47: Check, please!





Imagine this:
You lead the weekly team Zoom call. This week, a member of your group-- who usually contributes a lot--  has their camera off and participates very little. When you send a private chat message asking them if everything is ok, they send you a "thumbs up" reaction. That's out of character, you note. Before the meeting adjourns, you ask them to update the team on a pivotal project. They respond curtly and say, "All is well, and we will meet the deadline." 

At this point you're starting to take it personally. Why are they being so rude? Camera off, no participation, vague update. They embarrassed you in front of the team. What the heck? You are beginning to suspect that their odd behavior is due to their dissatisfaction with the way you handled a recent client situation.

You decide to call them up to call them on their stuff...


STOP! 


Before you go into defense mode, this is the *perfect* time to check perceptions. 

The perception-checking model has three steps, but before we get to that, kick back and enjoy this mini-lecture, truncated from the college classroom. 

1. Perception is the ability to become aware of something through our senses. We have a preponderance of stimuli coming our way at any given moment. Perception is the active process of noticing, choosing, organizing, interpreting, and understanding sensory information.  

2. All perceptions are subjective. They are individually interpreted and, therefore, not the same for everyone.

3. Sensory stimuli travels through our perceptual filters in order to interpret it. You know those plexiglass face shields some people wore during the pandemic in lieu of, or along with, masks? Our perceptual filters are like porous layer upon layer of those shields.  Stimuli goes through each shield (filter).  Perceptual filters include life experience, attitude, age, gender, knowledge, culture, and values—just to name a few. And, to make it extra-fun: these filters vary from person to person. 

Here is the least you need to know for the quiz.*
To enhance shared understanding and to decrease interpersonal conflict, we need to check our perceptions instead of assuming they represent reality.  

And here is how to check perceptions IRL.

Step 1: State your neutral observations of the facts. 
Step 2: Offer two interpretations of those facts.
Step 3: Request clarification.

Note: As with any model— use this as handrails, not handcuffs. Lean on it as needed. 

Let's go back to the Zoom example. Instead of following the flow of your defensiveness and angrily confronting your co-worker, you can let curiosity lead the conversation. First, get centered, and be aware of your non-verbals, particularly control your tone of voice, if talking by phone. 

Using the perception-checking model, it would sound something like this:

Step 1: State the facts— stick to what’s observable 
"Hey. In the call this week I noticed your camera was off and your update was brief."

Step 2: Offer two interpretations
"I’m wondering if something is going on that we should address or maybe you're just busy."

Step 3: Request feedback
What's up?**

Maybe your peer will confirm your suspicion, and they are indeed disappointed with the way you handled something. Maybe they will say their technology was wonky. Maybe their dog just went in for emergency surgery last night and their mind was elsewhere. 

We just don't know until we check our perceptions. 

Fun fact: I've been studying and teaching communication for over 25 years. Originally I planned on this being my 53rd blog post— the Big Bang, so to speak. Why? because it's the number one communication model  I’d want to teach everyone who steps in my training classroom. I just couldn't wait! 

*The quiz is canceled. ๐Ÿ˜†

**Yes, you could skip steps 1 and 2 and cut right to "What's up?" While I want you to be you, I suggest including your version of steps 1 and 2 to meet your conversational goal of reducing defensiveness and exploring perception. I have taught this widely-used model to thousands of people. I use it, myself, often. It's not a magic trick. But it can have magical results.















Head Tilt #46: The superpower you didn't know you had

.
If only we had access to something like Hermione Granger''s Time-Turner.


If you could have any superpower, what would it be? That question might seem trite nowadays but play along for a minute.

Time travel? 

The ability to fly? 

Invisibility? 

Mind-reading?

Consistency? 


Ok, consistency sounds kind of boring, maybe even common, but it's not. 

Consistency as a superpower means:

  • keeping your word,
  • showing up,
  • following through on commitments,
  • walking the talk,
  • being a good person, and
  • demonstrating respect to everyone, regardless of their title, status, gender, abilities, wealth, or race.


And when you are consistent, you will:

  • build trust (this is BIG!),
  • earn respect,
  • get results,
  • enhance loyalty, and
  • live with integrity.

Here are some ways to rev up your consistency.
  • Decide. Put consistency on your radar and keep it front and center. Write it on a post-it, set an alarm on your phone, ask Alexa to remind you daily, or look at the benefits I listed above. Heck, get a tattoo that says "Consistency" in some fancy script if that what it takes. (Ok, maybe don't do that one.) The point is: Do what it takes to prioritize consistency. 

  • Be impeccable with your word. Commit only to that which you will actually do. This requires taking a good look at your schedule, motivation, time and abilities. Yes, it's much easier said than done and there are plenty of online resources to help you with any of these items. Remember, being a people-pleaser doesn't please people when our words are hollow. Intentions don't provide.

  • Take a self-inventory. Pay close attention to what you are consistent with right now. Are you moody?  ←Explore that. Do you make promises to yourself you don't keep (e.g., I'll exercise every day! I'll speak up more at work! I won't eat sugar! etc. etc.)? Stop that. Are you consistently inconsistent? ← Notice that. 

  • Notice the ripple effect. We are all interconnected. Our attitudes, words, and actions have an effect on others. For example, when someone is counting on us and we don't do what we said we will do-- that impacts them and also their relationship with you. 

  • Set a good example. Like it or not, others are watching.

I'd love to fly, read minds, time travel, and make myself invisible at will. But right now I'm pretty charged about enhancing my superpower of consistency. 


And to the naysayers who say consistency is overrated or dull, you are missing the point. 100% consistency doesn't exist. Of course, you can still change your mind, innovate, surprise people, and so on. The point is to be purposefully consistent with the things that matter. As Tony Robbins says,

"In essence, if we want to direct our lives, we must take control of our consistent actions. It's not what we do once in a while that shapes our lives, but what we do consistently. 


Time-Turner photo by Sarah Hall  https://www.flickr.com/photos/sarahxcaulfield/


Head Tilt #45: Model the way?


Leaders are often told to "model the way." I've coached them to do so, too. 

Modeling the way means:

setting the example,

leading the charge, and

navigating the path.


Those are solid leadership fundamentals.


But here's what model the way does NOT mean:

 

Model the way: make a team of your clones

 

The best leaders set the goals, parameters and metrics, and, whenever possible, provide their teams enough autonomy to get the work done their way. 

And when a team member comes to the leader for direction, a leader empowers them and says:

"I have some ideas,  but I want to hear your ideas, first."

That  models the way of:

  • humility (you don't know it all), 
  • innovation (you encourage new approaches) and 
  • coaching (you enable others to do great things). 


Similar to the "who are you wearing" question heard on the red carpet, 

"Hey leaders! What are you modeling for your teams?" 


Fabulous Lego stormtrooper mini-figures image by Andrew Martin from Pixabay 




 

Head Tilt #44: I feed you, you feedback

This is CoSo. He sits at my desk when I am not there. He loves doughnuts.


When cultivating corporate culture, many of the top global corporations are known for qualities such as:

  • diversity
  • respect
  • innovation
  • agility
  • growth potential
  • collaboration

Those are all so important! 

Creating a culture of feedback is, too.

Feedback, when delivered with the right intention and in the right way, can help develop, enhance, improve and strengthen an individual, team, or organization.

Instead of going into the nuts and bolts of how to give feedback, let's model the way for others by seeking it. 

GO FIRST!

Tell co-workers that you're looking to improve. Then ask:

"Can you tell me one thing I am doing well and one thing I could do to be even better?"  

Tie your request to specifics when applicable. For example, before giving a presentation ask your peer to watch for one thing you do well regarding the content of your presentation and one thing about your delivery that might need improvement. 

There's no guarantee they will ask you the same, BUT do it anyway. You'll get another's perspective and they'll get used to giving you feedback. 

WIN-WIN!


Head Tilt #43: Lessons from the leash

Indie and me at UCSC. ๐Ÿ• ๐Ÿƒ‍♀️

Today I ran the forest trails on the University of California Santa Cruz campus. 

What a run! The sky was clear, the air was crisp with pine and eucalyptus, and the path was empty. I took one of our dogs, Indie, with me. I just adore her; she loves running in the forest-- everything is so ALIVE! (Plus, she gets to be off-leash at times.)

Running with her is also a great way to reinforce her training.

Today I noticed that I said five phrases to her throughout the whole run: 

Leave It

Stay Close

Let's Go

Almost Home

and with much enthusiasm, 

GOOD GIRL! 

As I coached Indie away from another dog near our home stretch, I reflected on the commands I used with her. 

What if, just for fun, I applied them to myself?

I saw it clearly: the Leave It command, spoken with authority, could redirect me when my mind ventures too close to negativity or self-doubt. 

Stay Close would remind me to stay on track and stay focused.

I could use Let's Go to gently push myself when I lag.

Almost Home would renew my commitment when I near completion of a goal. 

Finally, Good Girl!, repeated often, always with love, cheer and at least one exclamation point, could reinforce positive behavior and just make me happy. ๐Ÿถ

No, I am not saying we should all talk to ourselves the way we talk to our dogs! 

But, if you love your dog and talk to them kindly, it could be a fun framework to ponder. 

For me, the beauty of the way I talk to my dogs rests in its intention, simplicity, clarity, and unconditional love. 

Not a bad foundation for self-talk, if you ask me!

Head Tilt #42: Your audience doesn't have x-ray vision


It’s story time!

You are about to give a presentation.

It's an important one.

Several people you respect are in attendance.

You prepared. You practiced. You're READY!

But you are still very nervous. 

You would rather wash your face with coarse sandpaper than give a speech.

Yet you persevere.

You begin the speech and notice your hands are shaking. Surely the audience noticed. That's okay; you put your hands to the side.

You keep going. 

You know your face flushed to a shade of crimson when you stumble over your words. That's hard to hide. You think everyone must be laughing inside, or at least feeling sorry for you.

Still, you plod on. 

Your heart is going Edgar-Allan-Poe-rogue on you: You are certain those in attendance can hear it pound with a pace that matches your anxiety. Can they even hear what you're saying over it?

But you can see the finish line. You're almost there...

Finally, you conclude the presentation. (Thank goodness!) 

You seem to navigate the Q&A with ease, but can't really be sure.

Then, just as you are about to exit the meeting room, an esteemed colleague compliments you on your presentation prowess.

Wait, what? 

You were a mess (or at least you felt that way). How could they think you did well?

And there you have it: You have just experienced the Illusion of Transparency. 

This cognitive bias occurs when we overestimate the degree of accuracy with which others interpret our internal state. We feel we are transparent and that our inner thoughts and experiences are obvious or even broadcast to others. 

But they're not. 

Translation: Often, our poker faces are better than we think. ๐Ÿคจ

Having taught presentation skills for 20+ years, I've witnessed the illusion of transparency countless times. Here is how it plays out:

A student or client will give a fantastic speech. Their research is sound. They are charismatic. The points are easy to follow, and their slides rock. 

And at the end, I'll give them a well-deserved compliment on their A+ presentation.

That's when they inevitably exhale loudly and say that they were so nervous and they were sure that everyone could tell!

Nope. Rarely can we tell. 

We're not as transparent as we think we are. 

Add to that: While we are the stars of our own show, everyone else is a star of their own show. What that means is that others do not think about us as much as we think they do. ๐Ÿ˜ณ

Exhale. You're doing better than you think.


Disclosure: I'm not sure who owns the photo, but isn't it awesome?