Head Tilt #41: Handrails not handcuffs

I offer clients many researched, proven models to use in various communication situations.

• Do you want to give good feedback? Try the STAR model (Situation/Task/Action/Result)
• Are you dealing with difficult customers? Use LAST (Listen, Apologize, Solve, Thank)
• Do you need to get your team motivated as you move through a challenge? WOOP it up! (Wish-Outcome-Obstacle-Plan)
• Would you like to use a reliable coaching model? GROW is my go-to (Goal-Reality-Options-Way)
• Do you want to be more assertive? Try DESC scripting (Describe, Express, Specify, Consequences)

And so on and so on... 

Different tools for different subjects for different audiences and different results.

And with every model I teach, I always encourage learners to use them as handrails not handcuffs.

Handrails are there if we need them.

Handcuffs confine and limit us.

I am not teaching mathematical equations-- I am teaching communication strategies, tools that need to be adapted to the user's style, situation, goal and recipient. 

Modify as needed!

What are you using as handcuffs that you could repurpose as handrails? 

Photo by Pexels 

Head Tilt #40: Is anyone listening?

 

The fabulous Indie. Listening really is her superpower ❤️

When I ask clients to identify their communication superpower, many say they are great listeners. 

Okay. 🤨

I taught semester-long listening classes at a local college for 15 years... 

I know enough about listening to know that it is not everyone's superpower. Nor is it mine. 

Stellar listeners juggle many more skills than hearing. They are able to focus, ask good questions and encourage the speaker to talk, all while curbing their own desire to save the day by offering solutions or to defend themselves when the topic of conversation is directed at them.

Being a great listener is much harder than it sounds (pun intended). 

If you want listening to be your superpower, this is what (I think) I know:

1. Put your stuff aside. You can get it later, I promise. I have a "Check Ego" sticker on the dashboard of my car-- right near the “check oil” light. It was meant for my bumper, but why would I ask others to check their ego when I know it starts with me? If you truly want to be a great listener, check your ego and your issues at the door. This is not about you, at least not yet. Your rebuttals, defenses, and counterarguments can come later-- only after the person in front of you feels completely heard. Your goal: Connection

2. Every time your mind wanders, bring it back to the speaker. Like a litter of puppies waking from their nap, our minds wander. We come by this naturally: The average speaker talks at a rate of 125-150 words per minute, whereas we can process between 400-500  words per minute. That's a lot of downtime in our big brains! So, like those puppies, we look for other things to do: daydream, make lists, judge others, formulate our next response, and so on.  Through awareness and gentle repetition, train your brain to get laser-focused on the person talking to you. When you catch yourself drifting away, redirect. Again and again. Your goal: Presence

3. Ask Questions. Listening isn't a passive, silent role. While you should limit interruptions and be quiet so you can gather information, there is a time to insert your voice. Ask questions that help clarify ideas and aid in understanding, for the speaker and for you. Your Goal: Clarification and Comprehension

To get the speaker to clarify ideas; and to assist in your own comprehension of what's being said, ask questions like:

• What do you mean by ______?
• When is it better? When is it worst?
• Can you give me an example?    
• How do you see this being resolved?
• How can I help?  (my favorite)

Steer clear of assumptions and check the accuracy of your interpretations by asking questions like:

• It sounds like you felt misrepresented. Is that correct? 
• Your tone tells me you are more upset about this than you're letting on. Is that right? 

Top Tip: Tone matters. Any of these examples could sound condescending or accusatory with a slight shift in tone. The way you say it is as important as what you say. 

4. Encourage the speaker to continue.

That solution you know will work? Save it! When you want to open your mouth and let the words pour out: Zip it! Listening isn't about solving. Not yet. Resist the temptation to fix everything. No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.  Your Goal: Encouragement

Phrases you can interject for encouragement:

• I see.
• Tell me more.
• I get it. 
• Please continue. 

You can also nod, maintain eye contact, and lean in to show you're interested. 

When you feel like you understand and the speaker feels heard, then it is your turn to talk. And maybe, just maybe, they will listen to you like you listened to them.

Being great listener benefits our friends, partners, children, colleagues, employees, customers and ourselves! 

Though Superheroes are usually born with their powers (or in one case,  bitten by a spider), most of us have to work at this one. And it's worth it. 

Right now more than ever, the world needs stellar listeners. 

I know I do. 

What's your communication superpower?

Head Tilt #39: Make the future you proud

When I teach I provide participants with lots of practical tools. 

For example, in a recent customer service class I covered:

• the service mindset
• how to analyze what your customers want
• three communication essentials for connecting with customers
• a framework for dealing with difficult customers, and 
• how to recover when things go sideways

That's a lot! And it's coupled with handouts, activities, and reflection. 

At the end of most classes, I ask people a variation of the same two questions: 

    What one concept or tool stood out to you? What could you try tomorrow? 

There's no need to take it all on at once.

Through years of teaching and coaching, I've seen that we're often so eager to change that we take an all-or-nothing approach: Do it all or don't do a thing.

And through the years I've tried to let others know that the most important part of development is to do one small thing. 

That thing that stood out? Test drive it! 

Check the results. Are you pleased? 

Good! 

Practice it for a bit and then add another small thing. 

Then do another! 

Stack small steps on top of small steps until you have a whole bunch of small steps leading right to the top of your big goal.

Make the future you proud! 

And here's a secret you should all know: 

The future you does not only exist in that far away place you’ll reach when you:

• have it all figured out
• saved enough money
• found the perfect weight
• earned the right degrees
• applied all of the lessons you learned. 

The future you is mere minutes away. Make that future you proud.

The future you is the one who is pleased with the way you handled a sticky situation. Make that future you proud. 

The future you is the one who said what needed to be said at the team meeting. Make that future you proud.

The future you is the one crossing the finish-line of the workout that you didn't want to do but did anyway.Make that future you proud. 

The future you is the one who just made a micro-movement toward a bigger goal. Make that future you proud. 

Fun fact: I sat down to write this blog post and though I knew what I wanted to say, I wasn't sure how I'd say it. Still, I knew I wanted to make the future me proud. 

And I did.  💕

Yay!

Head Tilt #38: Creeds, credos, cats, and klocks

 

 Do you have a credo?

   I don't... not yet!

Credo (rhymes with Play-Doh) is Latin for "I believe."  A credo is a personal, value-based commitment  statement that guides your behaviors. 

I need one.

Does your company have a creed? 

A creed is like a credo, except it usually boils down the company values to an inspiring phrase or two that reminds the team who they are. 

(It's different than a mission statement, which serves to keep the focus on a company's broad goals.) 

Don't worry-- there's no quiz on this. 

Today I want to tell you about the Kit-Cat Creed. For almost 90 years it has guided the company that makes the Kit-Cat Klocks (pictured above, not to be confused with Kit Kat candy bars). Their credo is so fantastic that I might borrow it as my credo. 

First, some fun facts about these iconic feline time-tellers:

• They've been around since 1932.
• They have always been made in the USA.
• They were designed to spread happiness during the Great Depression.

And here's their fabulous creed:

Put a smile on everyone's face;

Love in everyone's heart;

Energy in everyone's body;

and Be a positive force in everyone's life!

And to that I say, "Yes, Let's!" 

Who's with me?  

Full disclosure: I have no rights to the Kit-Cat Klock picture... but I hope it's good for their business and they don't get too mad. Check out more about this cool company at their website.  

Head Tilt #37: Call Me Miss Spelling

                                  Bitmoji Me

I like to think of business writing as your avatar. It represents you when you are not around. 

Even in the day of acronyms, abbreviations and text-speak, spelling counts! And even with spell-check in place, some words are easily confused, and thus, misspelled. 

1. It's is only a contraction of it + is. It's never possessive. Ever. 

2. Fewer applies only to things you can count (for example, fewer cars) whereas less applies to things you cannot count, like sugar. 

    There are fewer cars on the road. (If you said "less cars" it would mean there were partial cars driving around.)

    I'd like less sugar in my coffee. (You could say fewer only if you are referring to fewer grains of sugar and that would just be weird.)

3. Lose or loose? When you lose something, you lose an O.

4. i.e. or e.g.? 

I. e. = that is. Latin: id est. Use i.e. interchangeably with the word specifically.

E.g. = for example (think: eggzample). Latin: exempli gratia . 

5. There is a place. There is a chair over there. Their is the possessive form of they. It's their chair. They're is a contraction of they + are. They're tired of these silly examples. 

6. Your is the possessive form of you. It's your choice. You're is a contraction of you + are. You're expected to know the difference. 

7. A lot is just that, a lot (think of a parking lot). Allot is to assign a portion. Alot is a misspelling in either case.

8.  Affect or effect? 

Affect is a verb; it indicates action and change. (A is for action.)

    This post might affect your spelling. 

Effect is a noun; think of cause and effect. 

    Appearing smarter might be an effect of this post. 😉

...Except every so often effect is a verb meaning to make something happen... and honestly, that one still confuses me.

Head Tilt #36: It's practically personal!

 Did you know:

• that giraffes can't swim? 
• that elephants can't jump?
• that Scotland's national animal is the unicorn?
• that in any conversation we have two needs: personal and practical? 

All of these facts surprised me, but only the last one was a game-changer. It gave me a wonderful lens for human interactions.

In any conversation, we have a practical need and a personal need.*

The practical need is the objective of the interaction. 

The personal need is the human connection piece that accompanies that practical need. 

Say a neighbor comes to your door to borrow some sugar (hey, it's still a thing. Ask my neighbors--I run out of baking supplies all the time). 

They come to you with two needs:

• Your neighbor's practical need is easy to identify: they need sugar.
• Their personal need might be a desire to be treated well. Along with that practical objective of getting some sugar, they might also have the personal need of connection, kindness, or something along those lines. 

Often though, when we are 

too busy, 

too tired, 

too moody, 

too hungry, 

or just not mindful, 

we cut right to fulfilling another's practical need and we skip the personal need completely. 

Imagine throwing a bag of sugar in your neighbor's hands and slamming the door. Their practical need would be met. But what about their personal needs?

Great communication requires awareness of both needs.

The most common personal needs are to be heard, to be understood, and to be respected. 

Here's another example: you approach your partner to tell them about your stressful day. Your practical need is to inform them about your experience, or maybe you just want to vent. Your personal need is for them to listen attentively with care and compassion. These needs are two sides of the kindful** communicator's coin.

In the workplace, too, particularly when dealing with customers, it's easy to jump straight to the practical need, i.e., the service you provide. Depending on your business, customers might come to you for practical needs such as assistance (help desk), teeth cleaning (dental office) or caffeine (coffee shop). But they have those unspoken personal needs too; they'd like to be heard, understood, and shown a modicum of respect.

Don't fulfill the practical need without addressing the baseline of personal needs, too. 

You'll be amazed at the difference! 

*A special thanks goes out to Development Dimensions International (DDI) for teaching me about the personal and practical needs when I became a certified trainer of their material. 

**Kindful = mindful + kind

Awesome giraffe pool float image by jacqueline macou from Pixabay

Head Tilt #35: Workouts, noodles, texts, and email

I am a runner. I run six days a week: distance, hills, and sprints, and I love it. 

BUT:

If I jet out the door too quickly and launch into a full stride, I'll pay for it later. My right hamstring will sharply remind me of its important role. I won't be able to ignore it. 

Bottom line: When I warm up with intentional stretching, things go well. 

When I don't warm up, I risk injury and ultimately have to pay in the form of time off from doing what I love to do. 

Here's my muscles-as-noodles metaphor:

No Warm-up: No bueno. My muscles are like uncooked noodles-- stiff and ready to snap. My experience is rarely as enjoyable as it could be.

Warm-up: Wow! My muscles are more like al dente noodles: Just right and ready. The experience is so much better!

I think our communication is the same way. In this case, the warm-up might be a simple hello, or maybe, how are you? 

My muscle metaphor pertains to written communication in the workplace, specifically texts and emails.

No warm-up (no salutation, frame for the conversation, or indication of intent) = No bueno. The recipient of your message is like an uncooked noodle: Inflexible, unprepared, and might snap.

Warm-up (kindful salutation, frame for the conversation, or indication of intent) = Wow! The recipient is al dente and ready to respond.

No matter what channel of communication we use, when we "warm up" our audience, things are bound to go a bit smoother than if we skip the warm-up completely and launch into what we want. A we-orientation beats me-orientation every single time. 

Here's what the warm-up of a communication workout looks like.

Text conversation: 

When initiating a new text thread, say hello before conveying that thing that popped into your mind; you know, that idea that you felt an impulsive urge to type up and then had to immediately press send. You have no idea what the receiver of that text might be doing or feeling at the time they receive your abrupt communication. Before you text an out-of-the-blue command or query to a co-worker, telling them what you need from them, warm up the conversation with a greeting. It can make a big difference in how they interpret the rest of your text. 

Check the tone of these texts:

        "I need XYZ from you."

        "Hi. I need XYZ from you."

        "Hi! I'm checking in about XYZ. Can I get that by day's end?"

Please don't say that you're busy and that you don't have time to add an exclamation point or a couple of extra words. Each of those examples took me less than ten seconds to type-- and I am a lousy typist. 

Email conversation: 

If initiating a new email thread, warm up by setting the tone and intention, and think about adding some context.

Compare these two: 

    "Sam: We need to meet about project XYZ. Contact me ASAP."

   vs.

    "Hello Sam! Let's set up a meeting to discuss the XYZ project. Specifically:

• status update re: milestones and deadlines

• extra resources needed (if any)

     When are you available this week? 

    Thanks!"

(Ok, the second one took a little bit longer but is worth the mindful pause.)

Today's takeaway:

Don't skip the warm up!

Remember, a real, live person is at the end of your written communication. Business communication is not synonymous with impersonal messaging. Like a warm-up is to a workout, a couple of extra keystrokes can make the interaction so much smoother. 

Image by Jan Vašek from Pixabay