Head Tilt #29: Two little words

Hey there coaches, leaders, and kindful (kind + mindful) communicators!  

Today I'm putting two of my favorite empowering phrases in the spotlight:

Not Yet and What's possible. 

1. Not Yet! 

I once visited the home of a well-traveled British neighbor who possesses an unyielding zeal for life, along with a fabulous accent. She took me from room to room, happily answering my queries regarding artifacts that silently served as witnesses to her adventures. Her home was and still is a showcase of a life well-lived. As we passed a framed print from Africa, she asked if I’d been there. 

"No." I said, slightly embarrassed about my lack of world travel. 

“Not Yet!” she enthusiastically added to my reply. I hadn’t been to Africa...yet. 

“Not yet”-- two little words that opened the door of possibility. My neighbor's response of “not yet” added a hopeful dot dot dot to my "no." 

See it in action:

After a few tries my son gets frustrated with his newest archery bow. He sets it aside, discouraged. He can't string it correctly. Not yet! 

My client says she’s not a good speaker. "Not yet!" I counter, letting her know I’ll show her the way.

Every so often I review my bucket list. Sometimes my heart sinks when I see how many places I’ve not visited, how many classes I’ve not taken, how many languages I've not learned, and how many adventures I’ve not experienced. There’s a lot on that list I haven’t done. 

Not yet, that is. With two little words I open the door to possibility while locking out disappointment.

Another favorite phrase of mine is:

2. What’s Possible?

Once while visiting San Francisco years ago, my daughter and her friend explored the Salon Shoe department at Nordstorm while we were waiting for a table in the cafe. 

Knowing I can’t afford to put my big toe in any of those shoes (“not yet!”), it’s a place I usually avoid, but on this day I felt like playing. 

I challenged the girls to find the most expensive pair of shoes they could. 

Much to the sales person’s dismay, the girls giggled as they (carefully) flipped over shoe after shoe, competitively calling out the prices. “$575!” “$750!” 

“Nope, you can do better than that!” I goaded. 

And then they found the Jimmy Choo table. 

It didn’t take them long to work their way up to the top of the display where a silver jewel-encrusted shoe perched above all others. My daughter, Macy, scooped it up and proclaimed, “$1995.00!” 

Really?! She won. We went to check on our table. 

The girls were in awe that people would spend almost $2000.00 on a pair of shoes (which, they concluded, weren’t all that spectacular!). 

I explained that while the three of us might not ever covet a pair of shoes in that price range, they exist to show us what’s possible. Those shoes expand preconceived boundaries and, in their own designer way, proclaim the power of possibility.

For a while after that visit to the City, whenever Macy was discouraged by her own limitations I playfully asked, “Hey, Mac, what’s possible?” 

“Two-thousand dollar shoes!” she'd answer. 

That's my girl! 😉

COACHES

Take this power-question to your clients. Unleash innovation by asking what's possible. I think I actually first heard this phrase when going through coaching training eons ago. 

• Is your client trying to sort out their career? Ask them what's possible. 
• Are they trying to hone their circle of influence? Ask them what's possible.

LEADERS

Bring this to brainstorming sessions. Don't get caught up in the reality of whether or not the ideas are feasible; you can judge them later. Start off the session by stoking creativity and asking your team what's possible. Capture the ridiculous and the realistic. Don't censor the ideas, just let them build upon each other. 

Suppose you are brainstorming ideas for how to adapt employee recognition during the pandemic. Ask what's possible and let the ideas fly! For example, 

• A Doordash subscription and monthly allowance? Sure! Capture that idea! 
• A personal letter from the CEO? Put it on the list! 
• A paid day off for the team? Go for it! 
• A puppy? Why not? 

Remember- brainstorming is about idea generation- there is no commitment needed at this stage. 

KINDFUL COMMUNICATORS

You can use these phrases with friends, family or yourself!

• Do you have a friend who is stuck? Encourage them to do some blue-sky thinking; ask them what's possible.
• Is someone trying to figure out how to spend their bonus? Ask them what's possible.
• Are you trying to decide between two important choices? Consider what's possible with each.

What are some of your favorite power phrases that provide possibility and a positive shift in mindset?

(Please know that the three categories of coaches, leaders, and kindful communicators are not mutually exclusive!)

Jimmy Choo Image by Lubov Lisitsa from Pixabay

Head Tilt #28: Calling B.S. on I.S. (Imposter Syndrome)

Yesterday this little blog hit 1800 views! 

It's only been up for a month and I am only half-way to my goal of 53 solid posts!

I was elated! 

I felt like this:

Happy Michelle

For about 15 minutes.

And then I felt like this:

Sad Michelle

Here's a peek into what was going on in my mind:

    Who do I think I am?

    What will I write about next? 

    I'm so dumb! 

    Why did I start this?

    I am such a fake. 

    I don't know sh!t. 

Well hello, Imposter Syndrome. 

Heads up: This post is not about something I've researched or taught. 

It's about something I know a lot about because I live with it. 

I'm very familiar with Imposter syndrome. It happens when someone thinks they are a fake and that they are mere moments away from being exposed, despite the evidence around them that says otherwise. I've been struggling with it for much of my adult life. 

Luckily, one of the few benefits of getting older is that I am getting a bit more nuanced at dealing with it. Full disclosure: I haven't eliminated it...yet.

Through experience, here are four things I try to do to move past it.

1. I get my mind's bouncer involved.

I got this idea from best-selling author Alan Cohen. I have a bouncer that stands at the door of my mind and lets only invited guests past the red velvet rope. When all the insecurities approach, my bouncer checks the guest list and tells them to get the heck out-- they're not on the list! If the negativity slips in the back door as it did yesterday, my bouncer can do a quick scan of my mind and kick it out. 

2.    I give imperfection a hug (or at least a gentle pat).

I heard long ago that "perfection is not of this world." John Steinbeck wrote, "And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good." Guru Brene Brown has made a fabulous career from talking about The Gifts of Imperfection. I accept that my writing will always have a typo, my smile will always be a bit crooked, and try as I might, I'll continue to sway a little when speaking to a group. I am coming to loosely embrace the idea that I am perfectly imperfect. That helps me exhale. 

3. I scan the evidence for the good, not just the bad.

I am a pro at finding proof of my shortcomings and areas for improvement. That's ok as long as I also accept the evidence that says I'm on the right track. After a class I led today, for example, I ignored the praise and went straight to figuring out what I could have done better. I'm committed to improving, but for the best assimilation, I know that improvement needs to rest on a base of strength. 

4. I keep on keeping on. 

I have no idea how I'll get to my 53rd Head Tilt. As I type this, I am not sure that this one will even count!  I don't know what I will post tomorrow, but if I keep on keeping on, I'll have another idea. My track record proves that. The next day I'll have another one. And then another one. And someone will read it, at least one person. (They might be related to me, but I'm good with that.)

So here's to all my fellow human beings who, like me, deal with being very human, indeed. 

What you do to call B.S. on the imposter syndrome?

P.S. Through writing this, I realize I need to hire a bigger, better bouncer. I wonder if Bongo from Who Framed Roger Rabbit is available...

 

Head Tilt #27: You can't surf with us

Photo from Pixabay

For the past thirty years, I've lived in the beautiful little surf town of Santa Cruz, California. I'm a runner. I'm not a surfer. I like land, and I am as ocean-savvy as a giraffe. I envy and respect surfers' skills, connections, and passion. Through my front-row view of the surf world, however, one thing I've noticed is that when the waves come up, the conflict shows up. 

Santa Cruz is California's "Surf City"-- right up there with Huntington Beach. Tourists come from all over for an opportunity to snag a wave at the famed Steamer's Lane or Pleasure Point. 

Sure, they are met with the territorial thing we've all heard of— local surfers like to keep the breaks to themselves. With good reason...

Perfect waves are a limited resource! 

There are unspoken rules everyone is expected to follow- usually in order to reduce injury and to increase the "stoke." The inaccurate surfer stereotype (thank you, Jeff Spicoli!) doesn't account for how much a strong surfer needs to know about:

• tides
• winds
• which board to use
• which wetsuit to use
• navigating the swell, jellyfish, sharks 🦈 and more!

Oh, and there is certainly a hierarchy of who goes first on which wave. 

What I understand is that if you put in the time and effort, follow the rules, and show up with respect for nature and the other surfers, you can have an epic ocean adventure.

Except when you bring along your ego.  

Through observation, I've seen that when it comes to both the experienced locals and the inexperienced, out-of-town beginners, humility dissolves in the saltwater at first contact. Maybe neoprene increases confidence and escalates defensiveness?

It goes like this:

• A group of locals is out enjoying the swell at an intermediate or advanced surf break. 

• Along comes a newbie, usually with the wrong board, definitely in the wrong spot, often with the wrong attitude, trying to snag a wave. 

• The novice cuts in front of one of the nuanced surfers who's gliding down a wave. The newcomer nearly causes a collision. 

(Do you know how sharp the fins of a surfboard are or how much it hurts to be hit by your board? I've heard the stories and seen the scars.)

Cue the spike of adrenaline.

• The newbie shrugs it off without a second thought. 

• The local loudly tells the new surfer to go to a different spot, perhaps something more suitable for beginners. 

• The new surfer puffs up and says they will surf where they want. It's  a "free ocean." (Seriously, they say this all the time.)

• The local gets angrier and tries to educate the new surfer more, only this time even louder. (The locals sometimes forget that they were once proud beginners, too.)

• The newbie yells back and calls the local names. (Top tip: This is  always a bad move!)

(You see where this cycle is going.) 

I know local surfers can be fierce and territorial. Like Mean Girls in the cafeteria, they can put off a "you can't surf with us" vibe.

But where's the learner's mindset of the new surfer?  

At the peak of the altercation, everyone's defenses rise, their egos lead, and the tension heightens. 

Instead of empathizing with what it's like to be inexperienced and naive, the locals bark orders. Instead of showing respect, listening, and learning, the newbie usually ends up storming out of the water. 

Sometimes they even fist-fight each other on the beach! 

What was supposed to be a thrilling connection with nature ends with an aggressive story to tell.

Wait, what the heck does this have to do with things I think I know? 

Whether in the ocean or in the boardroom, when we let the ego lead we Eliminate Great Outcomes for all parties involved. 

The ego always takes a me-orientation, not a we-orientation. 

Sure, when we lead with the ego we might get what we want, stand up for ourselves, or show people who's who, but do we grow and learn? Not often. Do we contribute to a positive outcome that's great for all involved? 

The answer is an unequivocal no!

Here are some tried and true tips for taming your ego, reducing defensiveness, and staying open to feedback. These are more suited for conversations at work and on land but can be tailored for surfers, too. 😊

1. Be quiet. Take a breath. Press pause on your first reaction. Accept that defensiveness is normal (it's the fight or flight response in action), but it can be overridden when we pause.

2. Realize that feedback is simply information. It isn’t necessarily true or false. Still, see if you can spot the grain of truth instead of immediately resisting it. 

3. Remember that when it comes to your skills, relationships and reputation, feedback helps you reinforce what you do well, and it helps you grow in other areas. We're all here to improve, right? Right. 

4. Listen to learn. Don’t interrupt. Pay attention. For clarity and comprehension, repeat what you’ve heard. (In the water, that sounds like, "I'm in the wrong place?" and at work, that could sound like, "Are you saying I didn't meet your expectations?") 

5. Demonstrate humility and ask good questions. Seek specific examples and concrete solutions. (The new surfer could ask, "Where should I go?" or the employee could ask, "How can I improve?")

6. Practice your kindful communication skills. Mindfully look for the kindest response in the moment. Your integrity is at stake. Respect yourself while respecting others. 

7. Reflect later when your defenses have subsided. What could you have done differently? What will you do differently next time? What would you do exactly the same?

We can all benefit from taming our egos, 

reducing defensiveness and adopting a learner's mindset. 

And one last thing: 

        If you really can't get past the Jeff Spicoli, California surfer stereotype, read Fast Company's awesome article about leadership, surfing, and the pandemic.

Mahalo!

Head Tilt #26: Don't call it a comeback, I've been here for years...

Q: How can you pump up your energy, change your state and boost your confidence in less than five minutes? 

A: Play your pump song!

I'm not talking about simply tuning into music that you enjoy. This is different than turning up songs that make you tap your toes, or just listening to playlists from your favorite artist. 

That's all good, but hearing your pump song is more specific. 

It's the song that has a spell over you. You can't resist it! It's your fight song. It reverberates through your soul as soon as you hear the first few notes. It psyches you up, gives you energy and makes you say "LET'S DO THIS!"

You don't know yours? It serves you to figure it out! 

Your pump song doesn't have to be your favorite song (mine isn't),  but it does need to be the one that 

pumps

you

up

every

single 

time

you hear it. 

For two decades, I've been coaching people to identify their confidence-building, energizing pump song.

Some semesters I would ask my college public speaking students to tell me their pump song. Then, for those who were willing, we'd play it in the class before they gave their presentations. The change in their demeanor was obvious! Okay, maybe it didn't make them immediately embrace the idea of giving a speech; overcoming that fear takes time (and I promise to address it in future posts). Still, most were able to move a bit closer to feeling energized instead of simply anxious. (Same feeling, btw, different perspective!) 

Some smiled. Some laughed. Some danced their way up to the podium while their classmates clapped. All forgot their angst-- if only for a moment. 

Today I coach clients to change their state by identifying their own pump song. Once they know it, they can use it to get stoked! They don't over-use it, but instead play it purposefully, whenever they need a little extra.

They can listen to it on Monday morning as they prep for the work week. They can stream it though their ear-buds on the way to a job interview. They can hum it before an important sales pitch or ask Alexa to blast it from the living room, before they lead an important Zoom meeting. 

We know how we show up matters. We can direct our minds to focus on something that positively charges us. We can use a song to get fired up when we know we need to.

So what's your personal pump song? 

Do you want to know mine? 

First, know that I have lots of different songs that make me move-- like Benny Goodman's swing masterpiece "Sing, Sing, Sing" and Odesza's brilliant production of "Loyal."  

But my pump song hits me to the core. Interestingly, it has been the same song for quite a while. 

When I need a little extra oomph,

When I need to change my state of mind,

When I need to raise my energy, 

Mama Said Knock You Out  by L.L. Cool J gets me pumped up every time. 🥊 🥊

PS: That's an active link for those of you who don't know this classic!

Hey fear, anxiety and doubt: I'm gonna knock you out!