Head Tilt #27: You can't surf with us

Photo from Pixabay

For the past thirty years, I've lived in the beautiful little surf town of Santa Cruz, California. I'm a runner. I'm not a surfer. I like land, and I am as ocean-savvy as a giraffe. I envy and respect surfers' skills, connections, and passion. Through my front-row view of the surf world, however, one thing I've noticed is that when the waves come up, the conflict shows up. 

Santa Cruz is California's "Surf City"-- right up there with Huntington Beach. Tourists come from all over for an opportunity to snag a wave at the famed Steamer's Lane or Pleasure Point. 

Sure, they are met with the territorial thing we've all heard of— local surfers like to keep the breaks to themselves. With good reason...

Perfect waves are a limited resource! 

There are unspoken rules everyone is expected to follow- usually in order to reduce injury and to increase the "stoke." The inaccurate surfer stereotype (thank you, Jeff Spicoli!) doesn't account for how much a strong surfer needs to know about:

• tides
• winds
• which board to use
• which wetsuit to use
• navigating the swell, jellyfish, sharks 🦈 and more!

Oh, and there is certainly a hierarchy of who goes first on which wave. 

What I understand is that if you put in the time and effort, follow the rules, and show up with respect for nature and the other surfers, you can have an epic ocean adventure.

Except when you bring along your ego.  

Through observation, I've seen that when it comes to both the experienced locals and the inexperienced, out-of-town beginners, humility dissolves in the saltwater at first contact. Maybe neoprene increases confidence and escalates defensiveness?

It goes like this:

• A group of locals is out enjoying the swell at an intermediate or advanced surf break. 

• Along comes a newbie, usually with the wrong board, definitely in the wrong spot, often with the wrong attitude, trying to snag a wave. 

• The novice cuts in front of one of the nuanced surfers who's gliding down a wave. The newcomer nearly causes a collision. 

(Do you know how sharp the fins of a surfboard are or how much it hurts to be hit by your board? I've heard the stories and seen the scars.)

Cue the spike of adrenaline.

• The newbie shrugs it off without a second thought. 

• The local loudly tells the new surfer to go to a different spot, perhaps something more suitable for beginners. 

• The new surfer puffs up and says they will surf where they want. It's  a "free ocean." (Seriously, they say this all the time.)

• The local gets angrier and tries to educate the new surfer more, only this time even louder. (The locals sometimes forget that they were once proud beginners, too.)

• The newbie yells back and calls the local names. (Top tip: This is  always a bad move!)

(You see where this cycle is going.) 

I know local surfers can be fierce and territorial. Like Mean Girls in the cafeteria, they can put off a "you can't surf with us" vibe.

But where's the learner's mindset of the new surfer?  

At the peak of the altercation, everyone's defenses rise, their egos lead, and the tension heightens. 

Instead of empathizing with what it's like to be inexperienced and naive, the locals bark orders. Instead of showing respect, listening, and learning, the newbie usually ends up storming out of the water. 

Sometimes they even fist-fight each other on the beach! 

What was supposed to be a thrilling connection with nature ends with an aggressive story to tell.

Wait, what the heck does this have to do with things I think I know? 

Whether in the ocean or in the boardroom, when we let the ego lead we Eliminate Great Outcomes for all parties involved. 

The ego always takes a me-orientation, not a we-orientation. 

Sure, when we lead with the ego we might get what we want, stand up for ourselves, or show people who's who, but do we grow and learn? Not often. Do we contribute to a positive outcome that's great for all involved? 

The answer is an unequivocal no!

Here are some tried and true tips for taming your ego, reducing defensiveness, and staying open to feedback. These are more suited for conversations at work and on land but can be tailored for surfers, too. 😊

1. Be quiet. Take a breath. Press pause on your first reaction. Accept that defensiveness is normal (it's the fight or flight response in action), but it can be overridden when we pause.

2. Realize that feedback is simply information. It isn’t necessarily true or false. Still, see if you can spot the grain of truth instead of immediately resisting it. 

3. Remember that when it comes to your skills, relationships and reputation, feedback helps you reinforce what you do well, and it helps you grow in other areas. We're all here to improve, right? Right. 

4. Listen to learn. Don’t interrupt. Pay attention. For clarity and comprehension, repeat what you’ve heard. (In the water, that sounds like, "I'm in the wrong place?" and at work, that could sound like, "Are you saying I didn't meet your expectations?") 

5. Demonstrate humility and ask good questions. Seek specific examples and concrete solutions. (The new surfer could ask, "Where should I go?" or the employee could ask, "How can I improve?")

6. Practice your kindful communication skills. Mindfully look for the kindest response in the moment. Your integrity is at stake. Respect yourself while respecting others. 

7. Reflect later when your defenses have subsided. What could you have done differently? What will you do differently next time? What would you do exactly the same?

We can all benefit from taming our egos, 

reducing defensiveness and adopting a learner's mindset. 

And one last thing: 

        If you really can't get past the Jeff Spicoli, California surfer stereotype, read Fast Company's awesome article about leadership, surfing, and the pandemic.

Mahalo!